You are going to need it
by sass angel
Summary: This is the sequel to Save a Prayer. Buffy still won't come to terms with her relationship. Well until I force her.COMPLETE!!!!!. Please R+R. It keeps me sane. :)
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: Same as before, not mine. Except for Jinx.

Spoilers: Up to the morning after. Reminder that the Willow and Dawn stuff never happened for my purposes.

Notes: If you haven't read Save a Prayer this will make no sense. You really need to read that first. Don't send me hate mail. I don't like Riley either but he was a necessary evil. 

Distribution: If anybody wants this just ask. I would be absolutely delighted. No, really I would.

Dedication: This one is for Scott too. You're the only one who can deal with my Jinx behavior J 

A stream of red flame whizzed past Jinx's face inches away from her still growing back eyebrows.

"God Dammit Buffy! If you burn my fucking eyebrows off again I'll make sure you're wishing for Kansas by the time the tornado lands."

"Sorry Jinx, I'm working on it."

"Well work harder…..away from me"

It had been three moths since she told Buffy the truth about what she had become. Three months since she had started training the reluctant slayer. Three months of scoobies meetings and Dawn sitting. And three months since Jacob died.

She was in hell.

The only saving grace had been Spike. They had a lot in common. Namely that the scoobies hated them with an equal amount of passion. In some twisted logic they blamed her for Buffy coming back different. Oh that and the whole Buffy almost dying, Willow breaking her legs thing didn't help either. Which was soooo not her fault. Spike, well they just hated him on principle now. At least that was her opinion. So the two of them had made it their ultimate goal in life to piss the gang off whenever possible. It was the foundation of their friendship. 

As far as Buffy went Jinx could admit she didn't totally hate her. Granted the slayer pissed her off on a regular basis and Jinx did everything in her power to annoy her . But Jinx had come to have a great deal of respect for the girl. 

"Takes a lickin and keeps on tickin that one" Jinx muttered to herself.

"What" Buffy asked, busy trying to ignite a rosebush on fire.

"Nothing. Umm… don't you have somewhere to be right about now." Called Jinx as she prepared to douse the rosebush with water before it could burn down the Coopers house next door. The girl was getting better but she had no control what-so-ever.

Lost in concentration Buffy just mumbled an off handed "Hmm?"

"Shit Buffy!!" Jinx ran to now ignited rosebush which was quickly spreading across the grass and right up the side of the neighboring house. Closing her eyes Jinx summoned the proper element in her mind. Opening them again she watched as a hard shower made short work of the inferno.

"I said. Don't you have somewhere to be. You know somewhere Spikeish"

Jinx caught back a grin as the now flushed slayer grabbed her purse off the lawn.

"Shit. What time is it. No never mind I'm late." Stumbling a little Buffy turned and yelled across the yard still running backwards. "You'll be here when Dawn gets home right, tell her I had some shopping to do"

"Yah sure….shopping….." Jinx called back to the already vanished slayer.

Shrugging Jinx headed for the house muttering to herself how long it had been since she had done some….shopping. 

Heading into the kitchen she pulled open the fridge and looked for something dinner worthy. She knew the slayer wasn't going to be back until well after supper time, or at least she hoped. Tonight was the night Spike was going to give Buffy his ultimatum. Buffy had still been keeping the relationship a secret from her friends. Spike however hadn't and seeing as how she was his only friend, she had spent hours listening to the lovesick vampire whine. She had finally convinced him to talk to Buffy and lay his cards on the table. He didn't want to hide anymore and if she did she was going to be hiding alone.

Sighing Jinx pulled a chicken out of the freezer and set it on the counter. 

"I really hope this is the only goose that is getting cooked tonight" 


	2. 

Spike watched the emotions run over Buffy's face. He saw her struggle with anger and pain. Pain won.

It had been three months since she had confessed to her feelings. Since she finally told him that she loved him. Three months of laughing, talking, and touching. The best moments of his life, alive or undead. He finally had the woman of his dreams in his arms and in his bed. That should have been enough, a year ago it would have been. Hell, he had taken less from Dru. He had asked for a crumb, and as the saying goes, be careful what you wish for. Times change, he had changed and his mind was playing games with his heart. They were telling him that there was supposed to be so much more. The missing part was driving this conversation, driving him, despite the very real fear of rejection. 

He wanted to be included in all aspects of her life. Her friends, her home, everything. He wanted what any other man would have with the woman he loved. He had told her what he wanted as soon as she had walked through the door. He supposed he could have used more tact. His first instinct had been to pull her into his bed and shag her into submission. Once he had her where he wanted her, she would be much more susceptible to the idea of bringing them 'out' to her friends. It was a bloody brilliant plan. Or so he thought, until Jinx had pointed out that if Buffy was really going to accept him she had to do it with all her faculties in order. He had agreed at the time but now watching her sit with that hurt puppy look, he was wishing he had gone with plan A.

She was just sitting there staring at him like he had told her he killed her favorite pet. She always blamed him for everything. Well not this time. This wasn't his bloody fault and he was not going to let her lay any guilt at his feet. 

"I'm not a bloody toy, Buffy. You can't just take me out to play then shove me away when your friends show up. I love you and I am not going to play this game anymore." Spikes voice shook with emotion

"There are no games, Spike. I'm just not ready. Why can't you understand that? I'll tell them when the time is right." 

Buffy's voice was much quieter and much calmer than his. That in itself was pissing him off. He watched her get up and wander around the room. Absently picking up and examining objects. He could see she trying to pretend that this was going to go away. Not bloody likely. 

"Understand what? That it's all well and good to shag me silly just so long as your precious scoobies don't find out. What is it that bothers you so much, them knowing that you fell in love with another vamp or that the vampire in the equation is me."

Backing her into a corner Spike blocked her body against the wall with his. He could feel the anger and betrayal swelling up inside him. Latching on to it, he lashed out at her.

" Is that it, pet? You afraid to tell your friends you let _me_, a filthy disgusting monster, touch your precious self."

He took a slow lecherous browse of her trembling figure before bringing his eyes back to hers. He knew he should stop but the sick feeling he got every time she ignored him in public was steering his words .

"Afraid to tell them you need me, gonna tell them you have an itch only I can scratch. Their pure fearless leader all hot for the big bad. I know, pet, how about you tell the whole sanctimonious lot that I can have their perfect little slayer panting and wet in five seconds and screaming for me to make her come five after that."

"Don't do this Spike.." Buffy choked out "Please."

He could see the tears forming in his eyes. He wanted to stop the harsh words pouring from his lips. He wanted to gather her trembling form against his body and sooth every tremor away. Protect her from all her demons, real and imagined. Hold her forever and never let go. There was so much he wanted for this beautiful woman. And so little he wanted from her. 

"I'm not doing this, slayer. You are. You say you love me. Prove it. "

Spike's voice started to crack as his emotions filled his chest and throat.

"Please, Buffy"

" Why? Why can't this just be us. Why do we have to drag everyone else into it. " Buffy pleaded

" Telling your friends isn't dragging them into it. It's letting our relationship into the light, not keeping it hid in some dark little corner, like some kind of dirty secret."

Buffy shoved him off and Spike let her. She was pacing quickly and working herself up to a good temper. Spike felt his hopes start to sink.

" Just in case it escaped your notice Spike, you're a vampire. That means you and light, not mixy. Did you also happen to miss the little news brief that said whenever Buffy tells her friends about her love life, said love life either dies or leaves. "

Spike grabbed her waist and pulled her angry frame tight against him forcing her chin up so she would meet his eyes.

" Number one, luv, I'm already dead. Number two, I can't leave someone I don't really have."

He watched the anger die out of his eyes. The expression he had grown to despise replaced it. The look of someone who had lost all their fight. His heart broke even more as his fireball of a slayer folded before his eyes. 

"Just give me time Spike. I'm not ready."

Spike searched her hazel eyes trying to find that piece of hope he needed to give her the time she wanted. Hope that she would really be his. Something inside of him broke as he realized it wasn't there and it never had been. 

Releasing her, he walked slowly to the door of his crypt, his heart cracking with every step. Opening it he turned back to the woman he loved. Who no matter what she said had never truly loved him the same way. It was time to face the truth, he either lived in the shadows of her life or not at all. No real choice at all. Either way would kill him, but being with her would be slower and infinitely more painful. It was with an incredible sense of unrealness that he told her his choice.

"Times up, Buffy. We lost."


	3. 

Riley smashed his fist against the steering wheel for the fifth time in as many minutes.

"Just go knock on the door Finn, what's the worst that could happen" he berated himself

"Right just walk up say…. Hi…. How've you been…. I can't stop thinking about you"

Riley replaced his fist with this head.

"She's going to laugh at me……but what if she doesn't……..I don't have to tell her I'm thinking about her, or that I can't get how soft her skin is out of my mind………I'll just ask her how she is and get the hell out of there……..yeah no harm in checking in on her…….it's the right thing to do".

With that Riley climbed out of the car and faced the Summers home.

Taking a deep breath he started up the walk "Ready or not…. here I go"

……………………………..

Jinx jumped at the sound of a car door slamming. She was on edge waiting to hear the outcome of Buffy and Spike's talk. Peeking out the curtains she started to laugh. Riley had apparently changed his mind about his destination because he was currently walking back to his car muttering to himself. 

"What's up with that " Crossing to the front door she pulled it open and let the late afternoon light roll into the house.

"Hey! Captain Cardboard! You forget something?" She called to the halted figure outside. Silently thanking Spike for the nickname.

Watching him turn back Jinx felt a knot form in her stomach. She didn't remember him being cute. Taking a casual pose against the door frame she started her own muttering.

"I so need to get laid if I'm starting to think the boy scout is cute. Christ next thing you know I'll be eyeing up Xander."

Focusing on the man slowly approaching her a small flutter started up in her stomach. This was not of the good.

"Buffy's not home" Jinx told him with as much rancor as she could inject in her voice. 

Good Jinx make him go away , no man , no fluttering , no problem. She silently mocked her treacherous hormones.

"I'm not here to see Buffy I wanted to see you….That is I came to see if you were good…..Not that I thought you would be bad…..You look good…..Really good…..I…ummm….How've you been?"

Jinx felt her jaw drop open. He came to see her. He wanted to know how she was. God it had been a long time since she……..went shopping.

The flutters turned into full out quivers and started to scramble throughout her body.

"I'm fine… I mean good…..I'm good"

Jinx groaned silently, since when did she not have something to say. She pounced on the first thought to come into her head

"Chicken!!…….I have to check on my chicken."

Not even checking to see if he was following she whipped around and headed for the kitchen . 

Busying herself at the stove she heard him enter and take a seat behind her. Silently cursing the fact she had promised Buffy to stay out of peoples minds. 

Just a little peek wouldn't hurt though right. Just to see what he wanted. Maybe it was all some big hoax, wanting to see her. He probably wanted to take her back to those government doctors so they could do more tests. She should check for that. It was in the interest of safety. No one could fault her for that. 

So caught up in her deliberations she didn't notice she had taken the chicken out the oven without the benefit of oven mitts until a searing pain shot through her fingertips.

"Ow, Son of a bitch!" shaking her hand and bouncing in place she felt him come up behind her.

She watched silently as he pulled her over to the sink and ran her hand under the cold water. His face was inches from hers and she could see that he hadn't shaved that day. A small sprinkling of hair covered his chin, just below a set of smooth hard lips. Which led to a strong nose and up to beautiful chocolate brown eyes. Leaning closer she inhaled the scent of his cologne, spicy and warm. The quivers were turning into shakes and she could feel her knees start to weaken. Trying to judge how exactly the skin on his neck would feel against her tongue she barley registered he was talking to her.

"Hmm?" she murmured softly, mentally unbuttoning his shirt.

"I said how bad does it hurt?"

Jinx's gaze shot back up to his eyes and then to her hand still stuck under the water.

"Oh! My hand. It's fine. No worries." Pulling out of his grasp she walked over to the island in the middle of the kitchen and took a seat on one of the stools placed there.

"So why are you here? Come to take me back for more experiments" 

"No, I wanted to see how you were doing. I kind of dumped you here and I just wanted to make sure…"

Riley's voice trailed off as he stared at everything in the room except her. 

"Yah that was classy dropping me off with your ex girlfriend"

Riley had the good grace to blush at that one.

"Look I thought this would be the best….that is the easiest place for you."

"Oh real easy you stick me with a friggin slayer, not to mention her little gang of friends, who by the way hate my guts."

"Why do they hate you…. Never mind I don't care….What's wrong with Buffy being a slayer… Do you know what a slayer is?"

Jinx tapped her fingers on the table at Riley's confused look. She had forgotten he knew next to nothing about her. Just that her DNA wasn't normal. Deciding she wasn't in the mood for a history lesson she changed the subject. There were way more interesting things to discuss, mainly…….shopping.

"So what are you really doing here. It's a long drive when a phone call would have accomplished the same result"

Blinking at the bluntness of her question Riley walked over to stand next to her stool.

"I don't know why I'm here, except that I can't stop thinking about you. I've been going crazy since I put you in that car. I am supposed to be on a plane halfway to china right now. I couldn't leave until I saw you again. I had to found out if this obsession I have is real."

Jinx watched the confusion on his face. This was going to be too easy. Taking a breath she quietly asked the question her body was screaming.

"And is it. Is it real"

Riley pulled her up into his arms and leaned in, his lips softly brushing hers.

"It's very real"

Jinx gave herself over to the kiss as Riley's lips became more demanding. It had been so long since someone had touched her without trying to cause her pain. Running her hands up the smooth muscles of his back she let out the moan that had been building since his lips first touched hers. She was drowning and she was perfectly willing to sink. She felt Riley reach down and scoop her into his arms, turning them towards the stairs. Pulling away from his mouth she ran her tongue up the side of his neck smiling at the shiver that ran through him.

"What the hell is that" 

Jinx tore her attention away from her taste test to try and find the source of Riley's obvious discomfort. Her eyes widened and a small giggle escaped at the sight of the mini tornado swirling about in the kitchen, inches from where they had been standing. Swirling her arm in the air she dispersed the wind back to it's original place in the room. 

"Sorry about that, sometimes when I get excited I lose some control on my….."

Jinx was cut off by her abrupt descent to the ground.

"You did that." Jinx wasn't sure if he could have laced his voice with more disgust.

"Yes, I did that. It's one of my many talents. Got a problem with it" She put every ounce of anger she had experienced in the last thirty years into her words.

In the face of that ire, Riley retreated fast. He was out the door in less time than it had taken her to speak. 

"I'm sorry. I can't do this again. I can't be with someone like this again" he called over his shoulder.

Jinx ran to the door and watched him race off in his car . Slamming the door she picked up a vase and smashed it against the opposite wall. 

"Son of a bitch! What the hell is wrong with men now a days? A girl has a little leg up in the dominance game and BAM they run like scared mice."

Staring up at the ceiling Jinx cursed one of the only people to ever understand her.

"You know this is your fault Jacob. If you hadn't screwed up so bad I wouldn't be contemplating screwing the boy scout. Look what you've done to me." Jinx's voice caught in her throat as a sob erupted where more yelling should have been. Sliding down the door she wrapped her arms around her knees. Tucking her head into her chest. She felt the shaking begin as tears coursed down her face.


	4. 

Buffy slammed the door to the Bronze open smiling at the satisfying thud it made against the wall. Looking neither left or right she made straight for the bar, intent on her purpose.

"Get drunk. When your drunk nothing hurts. Booze good. Pain bad."

The words had played repeatedly in her mind as she made her way from the crypt. Standing at the bar she watched the harassed girl behind it come take her order.

"Tequila. The bottle." She ground out.

At the sympathetic look from the bartender she almost gave into the tears that had been blocking her vision since Spike had told her to leave. Cutting them off with an angry swipe of her hand Buffy grabbed the bottle and accompanying shot glass. Making her way to a small dark table far away from the bustling crowd she sank onto the stool and poured a generous drink. Lifting the glass she toasted herself.

"Here's to managing to fuck up yet another relationship"

The golden liquid blazed a burning path down to her stomach. Buffy choked slightly and reached to refill her glass. Absently noting that her hand was shaking. 

"I'll drink to that"

Buffy's head shot up at the familiar male voice.

"Mind if I join you"

Buffy shrugged her acceptance. After all misery loves company.

………………………………………………

"You know iffin he really luvvvvvved me he'd wait. But does he NOOOOOOOOO. He just gets all, 'you have to tell the bloody world' that your sleeping with the enemy. Hey that was a movie. Are you listening to me"

Buffy blinked at her equally inebriated companion, whose head was resting on the table. Grabbing his hair and sticking her face up close to his, she asked the question burning in her alcohol sodden mind.

"Do you think I look like Julia Roberts"

"Maybe, in the right light. Did you know Jinx was a tornado causing freak, cause you shudda told me. I wuddn't of come back if I knew. No more freaks"

Buffy glared at him, or tried to. Mostly she just grinned like an idiot.

"Who you callin a freak. I'm not a freak. Spike's a freak. Yep freaky scary Spike. Did I tell you he kicked me out? What? Why are you groaning?"

……………………………………………….

Buffy rolled onto her side and blinked her eyes open, struggling against the pounding in her head ,she strained to see the numbers on the alarm clock. 5 AM. Moaning as the pain increased she turned over to her back and stared at the ceiling, trying to focus her mind .

She remembered going to the Bronze and the tequila. A lot of Tequila. Riley showing up and sitting with her. More tequila. Riley telling her what had happened with Jinx. That was just weird. Weird in the way too much information sense. More Tequila. Dancing. More tequila. Throwing up. More Tequila. Telling Riley about Spike. More Tequila.

Buffy shot straight up in bed. Her brain babbling a list of incoherent sentences

She had told Riley about Spike. Riley knew about sex with Spike. Not good. He'd tell her friends. Everyone would know. They would never forgive her. She had to find Riley. She had to find some aspirin.

Scrambling beside the bed for her clothes, Buffy froze.

Horror creeping slowly over her as a realization set in.

She wasn't in her bed, this wasn't her room, she was buck naked. 

Closing her eyes she pleaded with whoever was listening.

"Please don't let it be, please don't let it be, please don't let it be."

Forcing her eyes open Buffy checked the other side of the bed.

………………………………………..

Buffy ran, she didn't even know where she was going until she tripped over a head stone. Finding herself face down in the dirt, she curled into a ball and let the choking sobs she had been holding back go.

'How could this happen' she silently screamed ' Why me… What did I do to deserve this? ……WHY CAN'T I JUST PASS OUT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON?"

Lying her head on the grass, she closed her eyes. She needed to go home. She needed to forget this day had ever happened. But all she could do was lie there and shake. Just for one more kick in the ass, she was still partially drunk and had a hangover. Her life just couldn't get any worse.

"Buffy……Oh my God Buffy"

Buffy moaned, if there was ever a time she couldn't face Spike it was now. He was going to know. She embraced the last few seconds she had before her world got pitched right into hell. 

"What happened? Are you hurt? Talk to me, luv"

She never wanted to move again as the concern in his familiar English accent washed over her. Spike. Her Spike. She loved him, no question. Now he was going to hate her. Maybe he would just leave and she could get cleaned up. He would never have to know. As the idea rushed through her head she felt his arms come around her lifting her into his lap. Too late, he was close enough to smell her mistake now.

"I'm so sorry" she managed to choke out between body racking sobs.

"Shh, pet. It's okay. We'll work it out. That's what I was coming to tell you. It will be okay. I can wait. I just can't live without……"

Buffy watched as he trailed off confusion marring his face. A sickness welled up in her stomach as he leaned closer and inhaled her scent. She shook as his features formed a cold and ugly mask, his face showing the message his nose was sending. The scent of stale alcohol and a man's touch. A touch that was not his. 

Buffy crouched into a ball in the same place he had thrown her. Silently shaking her head against the question he was screaming at her.

"WHO WAS IT?

She peered up at him through a haze of tears. He was standing over her, every muscle in his body vibrating , clenching and unclenching his fists. She hoped he would hit her. She could deal with that pain. She couldn't deal with the agony ripping through her heart at the look of betrayal in his eyes. She owed him the truth. If he killed her for it, she couldn't blame him. She's do the same.

"Riley" her voice was barley louder than a whisper, but she knew he had heard.

Crying out at the biting pain as he dragged her to her feet by the back of her hair, she looked into his eyes silently pleading for understanding.

"Never. Come. Near. Me. Again." he bit out, venom slicing through his voice. 

Buffy felt the ground rushing up to meet her as he dropped her like she was trash. She dug her fingers into her hair and pulled, trying to block the pain. Rocking her body in short jerky motions she heard his final words floating back to her in the cold desolate night.

" Never again. Slayer. I **_will_** kill you"


	5. 

Jinx woke up to a loud pounding, placing a hand on her forehead she checked to make sure her head was still attached. Moaning at the headache screaming behind her eyes she rolled off the couch. Hoping elevation would help.

She had barley slept, had in fact spent most of the night crying and cursing men. One in particular.

Stumbling to the kitchen for an Advil she continued the litany she had begun the day before.

"Who the hell does he think he is, get a girl all excited and thinking there was some feelings then WHAM dumps her right on her ass. Typical give em an inch they just rip it up and toss you away."

Finding the small bottle of pain relief in the cabinet above the sink she reached for a water glass. 

"Well if he thinks he can just come in here again and expect to find me waiting he is sadly mistaken"

After downing the water and pills she lay her head against the counter praying for the pounding to stop. Belatedly realizing the sound was not coming for her head but from in fact above her head. More to the point, Buffy's room.

"What the hell is she doing?" Jinx asked staring at the ceiling.

It sounded like Buffy was auditioning the entire lord of the dance cast. Wincing her way up the stairs Jinx threw open the door, ready to give the slayer a piece of her mind for the unwelcome wake up call. What she saw had Jinx running for the front door, headache forgotten. Scooping up her coat Jinx headed out into the first light of dawn. 

Buffy had been lying on the floor of her decimated room crouched in a ball. There was not one article of clothing or furniture left whole. The girl herself looked like death warmed over. There were chunks of her hair missing and her eyes and face were so swollen she looked like she had gone more than a few rounds with Mike Tyson.

Jinx ran threw the quiet streets, hell bent on her destination. The cemetery. There was only person left in the world that she cared about and if Buffy looked that bad, she didn't want to think about what Spike had done to himself. 

…………………………………………..

Spike stared at the blood pouring from his hand, then at the wall in front of him covered in splattered pockets of the same substance. Dropping to his knees he cradled his fist to his chest, he had broken every bone it. Leaning his head against the brick he tried to concentrate on that pain. Anything but the screaming agony rushing through his heart. He had lost count of how many hours he had been there crying and roaring and punching.. Every mark, every dent, every single blood splattered stain was a testament to the ache inside him. It wasn't a wall, it was their faces that he smashed his fist into again and again. 

Spike heard the slight creak as the entrance to his crypt inched open. In one fluid motion he left his crouched position in the corner and shifted to his vampiric features. The rage was blinding, only one thought penetrated it. Kill. 

Striding across the room he ripped the door from the nervous fingers slowly pushing it open. Grabbing the throat of the intruder, he flung the body into the crypt. Spike stalked to the crumpled figure slowly sliding down the wall. 

"One warning is all you are getting. You should have paid more attention."

Grabbing her by the hair, he pulled her head up and smashed his fist into her face.

Shock dulled the edges of his fury when he felt himself being whipped across the room caught up in a rush of wind. Slamming against the opposite wall he stared in stunned silence at the angry woman striding towards him, wiping blood from her nose.

"If this is how you treat your only friend. It's no wonder no one likes you."

Shaking off his discomfort at the statement Spike let his anger resurface.

"I don't need friends. I don't need you." He sneered 

" The only thing I need, Jinx, is to be bloody well left alone. So sod off"

" So sue me for giving a shit. I'm just making sure you didn't barbecue yourself. So you didn't. I'm out"

Spike watched her head for the door. He wanted to be alone. He wanted to scream. He wanted to kill someone. He wanted to cry.

"Like I would do the flaming torch bit because of her." Even to his own ears he could hear how unconvincing he sounded.

Jinx whipped around at the sound of his voice.

" Really, so your hands have the texture of hamburger because you wanted to redecorate in some nice blood tones. You may not be sunbathing but you sure as hell _are_ trying to destroy yourself"

"I was just working through some issues, twelve steps and that rot"  


Spike winced at the unladylike snort Jinx let out at his words. 

"I'm not some poof here, you know. I'm not gonna go all broody and suicidal, just because she don't love me. Just because she….."

Spike felt Jinx's arms wrap around him, holding him up. He wasn't even aware he had fallen. It was with an equal sense of detachment, he felt her stroking his hair and murmuring comforting sounds in his ear. That had to be someone else, that wasn't him, clutching her waist like a lifeline. That couldn't be his throat making that horrible suffocating sound, choking itself on a torrent of tears . It definitely wasn't his voice cracked and raw repeating over and over. 

"She's not worth it."

………………………………………

Spike had no idea how long they lay there. All he knew was that he had finally stopped crying and the tremors were slowly leaving his body. Trying to compose himself, he sat up and spent many minutes digging for his smokes. Finally lighting one he leaned back against the wall, legs stretched out before him and turned his head to contemplate the woman at his side. 

"What are you doing here? I mean, why bother yourself with the likes of me?"

He watched as she tore her gaze from her lap and cocked her head to the side studying him intently before answering.

"There are two kinds of people in this world Spike. Us and them. Seeing as how there are more of them, I'm going to stick with the few left of my kind."

Spike nodded at the truth of her statement. Reaching back into his coat he pulled out his cigarettes and tossed the pack in her lap. She was all he had left. The only one who could understand him now. Flicking his lighter to the end of her smoke Spike watched her inhale, then watched her choke at his next matter of fact statement.

"She fucked Riley" 


	6. 

Buffy walked slowly down the hallway to the waiting room, absently leafing through the pamphlets the doctor had given her. They were pretty, all pinks and blues. Pausing at the next appointment slip hidden underneath the papers she stared at the date. One month. It was almost ironic.

One month since she had slept with Riley and one month until her next appointment. A hell of a lot could happen in a month. 

She hadn't seen Spike, not once. The loss of his friendship was painful, the loss of his love had almost killed her. She had done nothing for three weeks but lie in her room and cry. She hadn't patrolled she hadn't done anything. There just didn't seem to be a point, everything she touched was destroyed. None of the gang knew what to do with her. She had heard them talking ,some crap about the shock of her coming back as something different. They had mutually decided to give her time to adjust. She was pretty sure Willow knew more than she was letting on but the witch had sided with the majority. 

She would probably still be in her room if it hadn't been for Riley. He had found her almost comatose and taken her to a doctor. It was him that been holding her hand when she found out. Riley took care of everything after that and she would always be grateful. He had been the one to tell the others, she couldn't deal with it, hadn't in fact even stayed for the conversation. He had found the specialist and taken her to the many hasty appointments required. 

Coming to the end of the hall Buffy glanced up into the waiting room, Riley was sitting on a plastic chair leafing through a magazine. 

"I don't have to come back for another month" she told him

" How is everything….you know with the…….I mean is everything…..ummm……normal" 

Smiling at his stutter Buffy took his arm and led him out to the elevators.

"Everything's fine. Healthy and happy. No worries." She could hear the forced gaiety in her tone.

Looking up at him she noticed his apprehensive gaze. Something shifted inside her at his look, she hadn't made this easy for him. For the last week she had been a walking zombie letting him take the full impact of the situation. It wasn't his job. She had made her own bed, it was time to lie in it. There was more than just her at stake now. Ignoring the opening doors of the elevator, she led Riley over to a set of chairs.

" Look I know I haven't been dealing well with all this. And I am really grateful to you for picking up the slack for me. I don't know what I would have done if you weren't here. But I do know I have to face this before……well……before it's facing me."

Buffy watched her fingers become swallowed up in Riley's hand. 

"Buffy I……I know I haven't been there for you….I mean with your mom and Glory and……well you know, but this is my responsibility too. I won't leave you now. You need me……our baby needs me."

Buffy tore her hand from his grasp and regarded him with a mixture of horror and shock. Stumbling over her sentences Buffy tried to correct the grave error that had been made.

" I…Riley the baby isn't …… oh my god is that what you told everybody……….is that why you're here……it's not yours." 

"What do you mean it's not mine. I was there Buffy. We…that is….you know what we did, but it will be okay. I'm staying this time, you don't have to hide.."

Riley's words were effectively cut off by Buffy's next statement.

"It's not yours Riley. I'm four months pregnant, which would make it impossible when the 'thing' only happened a month ago. "

"Well if it's not mine then who the hell got you pregnant"

Curiosity, anger and relief warred for dominance in his voice

At his question Buffy turned white and took an enormous amount of interest in the shape of her nails.

" What?… Don't you know?… How many little drunk sex fests have you had since I've been gone"

Buffy whipped her head up, anger permeating her body and words.

" What happened was a one time deal. You were a mistake Riley. You were always a mistake. One I am going to be paying for until the day I die. Which thanks to my new DNA will be a very long time. So don't give me any of your sanctimonious crap right now. I am getting more than enough from the rest of them. I know damn well who the father is but thanks to you he won't come within ten feet of me"

Buffy could feel her body vibrating, she knew it wasn't all Riley's fault but it felt good to blame someone else. It had been a long month of mentally beating the crap out herself. 

At his next question all the anger she had been latching on to dissipated and all she was left with was the same cold emptiness inside that had become her constant companion.

" Who is it Buffy? You know you have to tell him."

"I can't tell him, he said if I came near him he would kill me." 

Buffy's words trailed off into a sob. She felt Riley's arm slide around her shoulder and gave into the comforting gesture for a moment. 

" He's not going to kill you Buffy. This is his responsibility too. I'm sure he will understand"

'Yah sure, he'll understand' Buffy thought ' Cause he's such the understanding , forgive and forget type' Sighing at the idea Buffy pushed out of Riley's embrace and sat up. It was time to face the music. She had things to do. She had to call Giles and get some kind of explanation of how the hell this had happened. Not a conversation she was looking forward to. Even less so than when she told the scoobies about her baby's other paternal figure. But first thing first, she had to tell Riley.

" He is not going to understand." Buffy spoke very slowly emphasizing every word. "He hates me, he will not want anything to do with me or the baby. I am not going to tell him because there would be no point. I am on my own here and that's my problem to deal with. You can stay and help or you can go. I'm sorry Riley but I really don't the energy to massage your ego. The choice is yours."

Buffy stood up and walked to the elevators, pushing the button she heard him come and stand beside her.

" You aren't alone Buffy. I may not be your boyfriend anymore but I am still your friend and you are going to need all the support you can get. So as your friend, I am telling you whoever this guy is, he has the right to know."

Buffy rubbed her temples, some people just never knew when to give up.

"Riley, the father of the baby is Spike, can we drop it now"

……………………………………………

It took most of the car ride home before Riley recovered the capacity to speak, and then it was mostly what the….. and how the. Buffy had been starting to wonder if he would ever be able to speak in full sentences again. He finally came out with a string of words that was mostly expletives but she got the point. Spike would not be hearing about his impending fatherhood from Riley. Nor would Riley be pushing her to tell him. 

Buffy turned and waved goodbye to the disappearing car. Riley had promised to come by later and help with the dreaded scooby report. First she wanted to call Giles and have some solid information to present. With that in mind Buffy entered the house. She could hear Willow and Dawn talking in the kitchen and after calling out the need for a nap, she climbed the stairs to her room. Privacy was of the utmost importance for this call. 

Turning the corner in the upstairs hallway she noticed a light on in her bedroom and she could see someone moving around. Slayer instincts kicking in she booted the partially closed door open and rushed in to confront the intruder. 

It took all her strength to stop her foot from connecting with Jinx's head.

Recovering slowly she stared dumbfounded at the brunette in her room. It had suddenly occurred to her that she hadn't seen Jinx in a month. Since the last time she had seen Spike actually. In some part of her mind she had accepted the departure, but was to out of it to really care. She had just assumed Jinx had left town. Apparently not though, because she was currently packing up the belongings Buffy hadn't even realized were remaining.

"What are you doing?" was the only thing she could think of to say.

"What does it look like, I'm getting the rest of my stuff." was the snarled reply.

" I can see that, I meant where are you going?" Jinx always rubbed on her last nerve.

" I am going to same place I have been for the past month, not that you even noticed I was gone" 

Buffy was stunned if she didn't know better she could have sworn she heard hurt in the girls voice. She shook off the thought, it would take a lot more than an apathetic Buffy to get to Jinx.

"Which is where? We need to know where you are Jinx. Someone with your abilities needs to be monitored"

" Oh don't you worry ,sweetcakes, my abilities are being monitored just fine. _All_ my abilities."

Buffy sighed. This was just great Jinx had a man. Just what she needed. How was she going to tell Riley this, he still had a big thing for the girl, whether he admitted it or not. Which she had no desire to try and comprehend. It wasn't like her recent life choices were any better.

"Look Jinx there is stuff going on and I have enough to worry about right now. I just want to know where you are."

Ignoring the question Jinx picked up the pamphlets that Buffy had tossed on the dresser after she entered the room.

" I'll say you got stuff." She flashed the papers in Buffy's face "Pretty stupid, Buffy, letting Captain Cardboard knock you up. Haven't you heard of birth control or at least learned how to control your drinking."

Buffy could feel the rage building again. Why the hell did everyone assume Riley had gotten her pregnant. And how the hell did Jinx know she had slept with him in the first place. Before she had a chance to ask Jinx floored her with her next comments.

" Maybe I should have given you the regular birth control talk along with the vampire pregnancy talk. "

" What vampire pregnancy talk?"

"I didn't tell you that…… meant to…… Oh, well I guess it doesn't matter _now_. But you might want to know if things don't work out with the boy scout, knowing your attraction to the undead and all."

" JINX, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT" Buffy swore the girl had two seconds to explain or she was going to rip out her intestines. Pregnant hormones were not something to be trifled with.

' Okay, Chill. We, as in our people,can have babies with vampires. Something to do with the first vamps being made from our ancestors. It's all some genetic code and crap. I never paid much attention, but I was always smart enough to protect myself. Unlike _some_ people I know"

Ripping out her intestines was too easy first she was going to remove her tongue with a plastic spoon the she was going to…..

"You bout done up there, pet. We're going to miss the beginning of the movie"

Buffy dropped to her knees at the sound of Spike's voice. He was here, in her house. Yelling up the stairs. To…….Jinx. She watched the girl pick up her bag and bounce past her answering that she was on her way. Jinx paused by Buffy on the way and leaned down to whisper softly in her ear.

" _All_ my abilities"

Buffy stumbled after the girl not sure if she was going to kill Jinx or faint, at the moment it was a toss up. Getting to the top of the stairs she watched as Jinx threw her arms around Spike and was gathered close for an extended kiss. 

'I changed my mind' Buffy thought 'I'm just going to be sick'

Finally breaking free from the kiss, Jinx gestured up the stairs at a pale Buffy.

" Guess who got herself knocked up"

Buffy wasn't sure who turned more green her or Spike. In less than a heartbeat Spike was on the floor in front of her gripping her chin and staring into her eyes.

" Is that true. Are you pregnant?"

Buffy wanted to cry, for a moment she let herself believe he still cared. She could see the concern pooling in his deep blue eyes. Love wasn't far from that, right 

"Yes, she's pregnant. So get your filthy hands off my child's mother." 

She hadn't seen Riley come in the door just in time for that fateful question.

Buffy wanted to scream. She wanted to pull him back and tell him it wasn't true. She wanted to kill Riley and Jinx. Especially Jinx.

She shivered when the worry on his face faded. It wasn't even replaced with hate this time. There was just nothing there. Everything in him seemed to shrivel up and die in those few seconds. She watched him slowly draw his hand away from her face and stand up. He was leaving her again, and this time there would be no hope. She got up and grabbed at his arm, determined to make him understand.

She wasn't sure what stopped her. Whether it was the enormity of the confession or the way he brushed her hand off like it was a speck of dirt. Either way all she could do was watch in silence as Spike took Jinx's hand and walked out of the house. Out of her life.

Buffy watched Riley slam the door shut and stalk angrily up the stairs. 

"Can you believe her. I mean what the hell is she doing with him?"

Buffy watched Riley pace and bitch about Jinx's apparent lack of taste in men for a few minutes. Slowly letting her rage build to a nice boil. This sweet kind caring friend had just stabbed a knife right into her heart and he hadn't even noticed. When her anger reached just the right temperature she rose.

" She at least had the sense to love him in the open. She accepts him for what he is not for what she wants him to be. We have both made a lot of mistakes in our lives Riley, but the biggest one is not just loving for the sake of love. I lost more than you will ever be able to comprehend today. But at least I know what I gave up. You don't have a clue. You are too busy trying to fit us all into a box labeled perfect girlfriend. Well guess what? Your not perfect, why the hell should we be. "

Buffy turned away and walked down the hall, pausing before the room to her door she stopped and looked once more at Riley.

" I am going to lie down now. When I get up I expect you to be gone. Don't come back this time, you had no right to tell them that."

Buffy entered her room and lied down on her bed. Wrapping her arms around her stomach, she let the tears go.

" And I had no right to let you."


	7. 

"He said it was normal." 

Buffy let a stream of flame fly from her fingertips, watching in satisfaction as the vamp trying to attack her burst into flames.

"Are you sure, not to get to picky but ewww"

Sparks flew from Willow's hands, as a stream of energy caused another vampire to meet the same demise.

" Yes, I'm sure. It's not ewww. It's normal. Most pregnant women get them."

Adjusting for her burgeoning tummy Buffy slid gratefully down onto a park bench. 

" You know, when I first found out about this powers thing I was kinda freaked, but now I can't help but be thankful. Not that I won't go back to usual ass kicking once the baby comes. Exercise and all. But for now it's a real blessing not to have to actually get within touching distance"

"You're really improving. It's a good thing you figured out the water thing ,though. Xander's still complaining about his suddenly receded hairline."

'Is he still on that? It's growing back. Hey, at least it didn't happen before the wedding pictures, thank God. Anya's still bitching that I didn't fit that ugly bridesmaid dress. Never thought I'd be so happy to look like a house"

"You don't look like a house, more like a cabin" At Buffy's disgruntled look Willow quickly backtracked. " A small cabin, very small, petite even…… So the doctor's went well?"

At the blatant plea for a subject change, Buffy giggled. It felt good to laugh. There hadn't been a lot that accomplished that lately. Mostly, the last four months had left her tired and drained. She had kept up with slaying as best she could. The ability to torch or drown demons at will helped. But mostly she had lied around the house watching her belly get bigger. At first she had acted like nothing had changed. Going out to the Bronze and patrolling like normal, but one night had changed that. Thanks to Willow. Sliding her glance to the redheaded witch who was busy scouting out more demons she let her mind drift.

She hadn't seen the demon coming, she was too caught up in thoughts of Spike. Well more to the point the discovery that he had cleared out and taken Jinx with him. She had gone to tell him the truth, but when she got to his crypt it was empty. She spent hours lying on the bed they had shared, trying to come up with a plan to find him. All her ideas came up short, he was gone and he obviously didn't want her to know where, judging from the barren rooms he had left. She had stumbled out into the cemetery blinded by tears and had never heard the approach of the danger. 

The Harathi demon had her on the ground and was at her throat in less time than it took to make coffee. If Willow hadn't been following her Buffy would have been dead. She remembered feeling the creatures fangs piercing her throat and she remembered not caring enough to stop it. Then it was gone, replaced with the vision of a very pissed off witch. 

Willow had told her off that night in more ways than Buffy knew was possible. One phrase still made her cringe but it was the one she tended to cling to when things got to hard. She would never forget the sight of Willow ,hands on her hips, screaming.

" Life's a bitch, Buffy. Everyone makes mistakes. It's time to grow the fuck up. There's more than just you now."

She hadn't expected it from Willow, of all people. Xander maybe, Dawn definitely. But not of the most supportive friend she had left. After that she had broke. Literally. All the pain and fear had come tumbling out. She had beaten the crap out of a very suspicious looking tree. She had screamed and cried and raged at the unfairness that was her life. When she was done, Willow had very calmly wrapped an arm around her shoulder and taken her for ice cream. 

She had told her best friend everything that night, including the actual paternity of the baby. Willow had been her rock after that. She shielded her from the too harsh aspects of the world at large and let her just deal with the reality of being a pregnant slayer. Willow held her hand when she told the others who the babies father was and it was Willow who took her to Lamaze and made sure she ate right. Somewhere along the way the quiet witch became the strong one and although there was a certain amount of guilt involved, Buffy let her. 

It still wasn't easy and most of the time she just wanted to give into the cloud of depression that was always threatening, but the life inside her wouldn't let her give up. She swore the kid knew, every time she was tempted to wallow in self pity, there was an impromptu flamenco dance performed inside her. 

Smiling at her stomach, Buffy rubbed slow circles with her hand. Yeah, this kid was definitely his father's son. Never let her have a moment to feel sorry for herself. She had found out a week ago the sex of the baby. There were enough surprises in her life. 

Looking up at her redhead companion Buffy reached her hand up for assistance and asked the burning question of the night.

"Double chocolate mint or strawberry"

Grasping her hand Willow heaved the huge slayer off the bench. Glancing at the protruding belly she raised an eyebrow.

" You sure a salad wouldn't be the better choice."

" One more comment like that and you will be removed from the favorite aunts list. Now let's get this little guy some ice cream"

Buffy started to walk off at a fast waddle until she felt Willow's eyes burning into her back. Turning around she saw an amused look on her friends face. She was getting annoyed. All the good flavors were going to be gone.

"What is it now. All the bad guys have gone poof. Let's go already."

" Your absolutely sure it's normal, I mean you seem to be waddling more than usual."

Buffy rubbed her temples, she had the mother of all migraines coming on.

" Yes, Willow. It's normal. I'm waddling more because my stomach is dropping. That happens around this time. It's not because of the bloody hemorrhoids."

……………………………………

Buffy stared silently at the ceiling of her hospital room. She didn't know what had happened. One minute she had been walking along with Willow on the way to their regular ice cream night and the next she was on the ground clutching her stomach and screaming. At first she had thought it was labor. She was eight months along it would be risky but the baby could be born now. That was at least until she saw the blood, it seemed to be pouring out of her. Willow had taken her to the emergency room and the doctors had given her some drugs through an IV, that had dulled the pain.

Glancing now at the needle still stuck in her hand, she rolled onto her side and waited for the doctor to come and tell her about the tests they had run. She wished Willow would come back. She was scared. Giving into the tears Buffy stared blindly out the window. She wanted Spike. Just like she had at every moment of every day since he left. She wanted him to hold her and tell her the baby would be okay. Grief rolling over her, she placed a protective hand to her stomach, she may have lost the man she loved but she couldn't lose his son. Sensing movement behind her Buffy rubbed at her face trying to rid it of the evidence she had been crying. She wanted to look strong for whatever the doctor had to say, even if she felt anything but.

Surprise warred with relief when she discovered it was Willow and not the doctor. Relief because there was more time to get herself together. Surprise because Willow was grabbing her clothes and trying to force her into them.

"What's going on? Is the baby okay? Can I go home?"

" We need to go …..now!"

Buffy grabbed the arm that was shoving her shoes on and hauled the girl up so she could look her in the eye.

" What. Is. Going. On." She ground out 

" We need to get out of here before the doctor comes back. They are going to take the baby, Buffy. I heard them talking. They said they had to get rid of it before it could be born."

Buffy stared into the frightened girls face and vaulted off the bed. Shoving her arms in her jacket and ripping the needle from her hand, Buffy ran for the door. Pulling it open she crashed into two nurses carrying restraints. One hit the floor from the impact of Buffy's flight the other joined her seconds later after meeting the force of a slayer's fist.

Racing down the hall Buffy pulled Willow after her.

" Did they say what was wrong with the baby?"

"No, I came into the room too late."

Reaching the parking lot the girls raced for the car Willow had borrowed from Xander. Buffy slid into the passenger seat and watched the other girl start the car and squeal out of the parking lot.

" Where are we going to go? They are going to be looking for you."

Buffy looked out the window and contemplated Willow's question. A dozen ideas sprang to mind but only one made any real sense.

" Do you still have that cell phone on you?"

At the witch's affirmative nod Buffy continued

" Okay, you don't have to come with me but.."

Willow brought the car to an abrupt halt on the side of the road and turned to face Buffy. Steel reverberated through her tone.

" Wherever you are going, Buffy, I'm coming with you"

Buffy sighed in relief this would be so much easier if she had a friends support.

" Okay then, call Xander and Anya, explain what is going on and have then pick up Dawn. I don't know how long we will be gone, so she will need somewhere to stay."

Buffy watched in silence as Willow made the call. She couldn't talk to anyone right now. If she had to tell anyone that something was wrong with the baby she was sure she would just curl up and blow away. Willow finished her conversation and hung up. Restarting the car she pulled back onto the hi-way.

" So which way. Where are we going?"

" North. I'm not exactly sure where but I know it's towards the border."

At Willow's startled expression Buffy explained the best she could.

"There is only one person we know that would have even the slightest clue as to what's happening with my baby. We have to find her."

Willow tapped her hands against the steering wheel in frustration

"Jinx. Of course. Why didn't I think of that? But how do you know she's north?"

"I don't know, exactly. But I'm willing to bet my life on it. She's up there. I know it. I also know that we don't have much time to find her."

She felt Willows hand come to rest beside hers over the baby. Smiling at the small reassurance Buffy turned her head to face the window. Watching the scenery speed by she silently prayed they would make it.

……………………………………….

Rolling onto her side, Jinx opened her eyes and watched the sleeping figure next to her. Leaning over she placed a small kiss on his back. He whimpered slightly and whispered the same name he had been calling every night in his dreams. Buffy.

Jinx made a soothing noise and lay her head against him.

"She's coming, baby, I made sure. Everything will be okay now" 


	8. 

Authors Notes: I am sorry this is taking so long but I have had some family issues. Hopefully I can finish this up soon. I stayed up half the night getting this part ready. So please forgive me if it's not perfect. _I'm trying something new and so not to confuse all thoughts will look like this._ Thanks for the wonderful reviews and let me know what you think of the rest.****

The car containing Buffy and Willow eased to stop in front of a run down two story apartment building. Both girls blinked up into the noon sun at the imposing mass of brick and mortar. 

"Are you sure about this?" Willow asked nervously

Buffy groaned at the girls hesitation, she was feeling more than enough of her own. Shaking the indecision away, Buffy steeled herself for the upcoming confrontation. 

"This is the place. I can feel Jinx here"

"I mean are you sure about **this**. Seeing Spike and all"

"Well it can't be avoided now…….. besides I have no choice. We can't go back and Jinx is the only one who can help, if that means seeing Spike……well then that's what it means"

Willow wasn't as ready to give up. "Maybe we can call Giles, find a book, something…."

"Look we haven't been driving for three days to turn around now. I know I haven't been myself lately but I am sure as hell not going to let a run in with an ex scare me off, I'm still a slayer for Christ's sake." 

__

Sure Buffy then why are your knees shaking. The thought echoed loudly through her head. Pushing the traitorous image away Buffy got out of the car and came around to the drivers door. Opening it she held her hand out to Willow. 

"Let's go"

Pulled out of the car Willow was dragged after the determined slayer, who was rushing through the lobby. Still holding hands they started the ascent of the two flights of stairs that would lead them to apartment 203. The number Buffy had kept seeing in her mind.

__

You can do this Buffy, it's just Spike, screw up Spike, the vampire who couldn't kill you with an army. You are **so** over him. Who cares if he can do that sexy thing with his eyebrow, who cares if he makes you feel like the only other person on earth. Okay…. not helping…. Bad Spike. Not caring about Spike. Not mentioning his name anymore. It's Over . Over. Over. Over. Over. Over. Over. Over. Over.

"Umm….. Buffy…… Are we going to stand in this very attractive hallway all day or are we going to knock. Cause standing could be good….. I'm all with the just standing."

Buffy blinked at Willow and then at the door she realized she was facing. 

'Right…..No….I'm knocking…..See knocking"

Instead of encountering the expected wood with her fist though, she connected with a very familiar nose. Buffy pulled her arm back in shock and groaned. _So much for the subtle approach._

Buffy stared at the face of the man she hadn't been able to get out of her mind once in the last months. 

"Bloody hell, Buffy, haven't we grown out of this yet."

Buffy felt her mouth drop open. Same voice. Same face. Same body. Same Spike. In some little part of her mind she had been clinging to the hope that he would somehow have changed. Maybe if he changed in any tiny, miniscule way then she wouldn't have to love him anymore. She knew her logic had been slightly skewed on that but it was one of the few things she had left to cling to. Unfortunately with that realization came the almost uncontrollable urge to launch herself into his arms. 

Or at least that was until she felt his glance stray to her large figure and he altered his statement. 

"Well one of us has grown anyway." 

She gaped at his trademark smirk, the one she dearly wanted to smack off his face forever.

Recovering ,after an embarrassing moment too long, Buffy shoved past him into the apartment.

Dragging Willow in behind her she tried a little internal pep talk. _This is not the way it's going to go. I am in charge. I am not self-conscious. I do not look like a house. _

"Where's Jinx. I need to see her." 

Buffy felt Spike grab her arm and a tremor ran through her when he pulled her back and hissed in her ear.

" You stay away from her….. **_slayer_**. You made your choice. You're no longer welcome in my life. Get out."

Buffy seized the hand gripping her arm and pried it off. Turning quickly, despite her bulk, she shoved Spike onto the couch. Leaning over him she gripped his chin and ground her knee into his leg. Effectively pinning him in place. 

"You don't want me here, I get that. But maybe you should have told your **_girlfriend_** not to set up a tracking beam in my head if you wanted me to stay away. I need information, she has it. So sit down, shut up and we will be out your pathetic little life before you know it."

"Well that's not entirely true." 

Two blonde heads shot up to stare in the direction of the bedroom, Jinx was leaning weakly against the doorframe massaging her temples.

"Can you two quit arguing for five minutes, the tracking beam, as Buffy, so eloquently put it, makes for horrible migraines."

Crossing to the couch she slid down beside Spike and lay her head on his shoulder. Staring pointedly at Buffy's hand squeezing Spikes chin. 

Buffy swore she was seeing about ten shades of red. The only thing stopping her from ripping out the girls heart and feeding it to her was Willow's surprisingly strong grip on her arm. 

Letting the witch pull her back, Buffy sat slowly in the chair across from the couple. She felt, rather than saw Willow sit down beside her and take her hand. Nodding at the comforting gesture, she decided she was going to have to settle for a healthy dose of sarcasm instead…….for now.

"Oh, please forgive me, I'm so sorry to inconvenience you, next time I will try to just hemorrhage and die as quietly as possible."

Jinx's reply was quick and to the point.

"Oh save the drama queen act. I can see you've grown up about an inch since we've been gone."

Buffy blinked, she had forgotten how good Jinx was at the sarcasm game. Glaring at each other neither noticed the amused expression on Spike's face. 

"That's not true pet, she's grown a lot more than an inch. Really slayer you shouldn't let yourself go like this. It's a bleedin shame. "

"**Hey**" 

"Son….Of….A…..Bitch"

Buffy hadn't been able to help herself, it was reflex. She didn't even realize she was going to do it until she felt her fist connect with his nose. Staring at her hand, Buffy marveled at the familiar tingle_. Damn that felt good._

Unfortunately her momentary satisfaction was quickly smothered at the sting shooting through her lower limbs. Gritting her teeth, she tried to breathe through the recurring pain. It had gotten worse with every mile they had driven. 

Reaching out blindly she searched for Willow's hand. The hand that had held hers almost every moment of the long trip. Especially when the spasms became too much to handle. Finding it she squeezed for dear life and worked slowly though the waves of agony, clenching her stomach in a vice grip. When it was manageable she opened her eyes to reassure her friend. Instead she encountered not the warm brown gaze she was used to but a penetrating deep blue. 

Buffy glanced down at her hand, swallowed up into a much cooler, much more male grip than Willow's and quickly snatched it back.

At her actions, disgust replaced concern and Spike moved swiftly back to the couch. Seating himself, he grinned at Buffy and pulled Jinx onto his lap.

"Why are you here, slayer?" he sneered "Let me guess, Captain Cardboard not living up to his end of the deal….. Run out on you, did he?…. Can't say I'm surprised. You never could keep a man…. Well I'm not saving your ass this time. You expect Jinx to find him, why don't you and your **friends** find him. Whatever information, you think you need, get from soddin elsewhere. She's not available and neither is your whipping boy."

"My **ex** whipping boy…………Well that's real nice Spike, but maybe my damn whipping boy should have been less available eight and half months ago." 

It all happened so quickly, one minute she was on the chair, the next she was dangling a couple inches off the floor. 

Buffy stared, stunned, into the face of the furious vampire holding her. 

"What. Did. You. Just. Say."

Fighting for composure, she answered with a confidence she was far from feeling.

"I'm almost nine months pregnant. By process of elimination, Guess what?"

The floor rushed back up as quickly as it had receded and Buffy found herself sprawled out at his feet.

"I don't know what kind of game you think your playing at here………

But I expected better. You make me sick slayer, you really do. Waltzing in here, not a care in the world, expecting me to believe that……..

Buffy watched with a sense of detachment as Spikes gathered the front of her shirt in his fists and started screaming in her face. _I finally get the guts to tell him and he doesn't believe me. This is somehow fitting._

"I'm a bloody **vampire_, _**Buffy. Couldn't you come up with anything better. Don't think for **one** second I'm going to fall for this shit."

Buffy could see Spike's whole body vibrate, he was seriously controlling the urge not to toss her around the room. In the interest of self preservation, she was considering the best route to an explanation, when an unexpected voice piped up, doing it for her.

"She's not lying Spike. Now let go before you hurt your son."

Buffy and Spike both stared dumbfounded at Jinx, unable to formulate a sentence between them. It was Willow who attempted to alleviate the extremely uncomfortable silence.

"How do you know that"

Waving a hand breezily in the air Jinx relaxed on the couch.

"I've always known. I knew that day in Buffy's room. God are you people that stupid….. **Hello**………mind reader. You think I'd go through all this trouble because I **missed** you."

It was a toss up after that as to what made the most noise.

The door slamming behind an irate Spike

Or the crunch of breaking bone when Buffy's fist crashed into Jinx's face.


	9. 

Author's notes: Okay we are back up and running. If I can solve the issues between my computer and FF.net this will probably be done within the next week. Well if real life would quit rearing it's ugly head. Anyhoo, here's the next part, hope you enjoy. A special thanks to Heller for her wonderful beta skills and for giving my confidence a much needed shot in the arm. 

Willow ran a cold facecloth over Buffy's forehead and tried again to release her hand from the death grip Buffy had on it. She had started wearing a steel brace for just this occasion but hadn't had time to put it on after Buffy's little tap dance on Jinx's head.

She glanced up from her friend, laid out on the couch, towards the bathroom where Jinx had disappeared muttering something about concealer. It was going to take more than make-up tricks to cover the wide array of blue and purple bruises obscuring her face.

At that thought Willow had to grin. _Serves her right for screwing with Buffy. _Unfortunately the fight had taken too much out of the slayer and Willow had practically had to drag the girl up onto the couch, screaming in pain. At a whimper from Buffy, Willow turned her attention back to her friend. The cramping was getting worse and there wasn't time for anymore obstacles. With that in mind, Willow gently pulled her hand free and whispered she would be right back. Hopefully Buffy would just pass out like she usually did.

Spike slowly removed his hand from the interior of the intercom system used to 'buzz' the separate apartments. 

It had taken him more than a few seconds to realize on his flight from the building that he still had a nasty aversion to sunlight. Inspecting the new damage to his body, he sank slowly to the stairs that led to the floors above.

"Bloody hell. Just a few more scars I can thank that blasted woman for."

At least these were on the outside. They would heal in a few hours. This latest bout of slayer mania was going to leave a lot more damage than a premature suntan. What the hell had Jinx been thinking bringing her here. Why hadn't she told him, he trusted her. They were the same, neither had a damn thing to offer anyone. He knew it wasn't love, hell it wasn't even like. They used each other, each running hard and fast from the pain of a broken heart. Jinx above all should have been straight with him. Her omission was the same as lying, and he had more than enough of that bitter pill from Buffy. In all his years he should have learned by now that women equaled pain. Right now it was a serious toss up as to who he wanted to eviscerate first. But from the sounds of it when he was leaving they were going to do it for him.

Cocking his feet up on the wall, Spike leaned against the banister and contemplated the ceiling. He'd just wait them out. Whoever lost would get to answer to him first.

Willow didn't even bother with knocking, she just shoved open the bathroom door and barged in. The time for pleasantries was way over.

Jinx was just staring into the mirror with a look that said she refused to accept what it was telling her.

Leaning on the door jamb Willow felt a smirk pulling at her lips.

"Maybe you should have considered the tremendous ass kicking you were going to get before you decided to lie to her."

"I didn't see it as an issue at the time. Hence the going far away part."

"Speaking of, why even bring her here. Ever heard of a phone?"

Willow watched Jinx place her palms against the vanity and lean against the mirror, obviously struggling for a control she was far from feeling. Pushing herself up Jinx tried to fix her hair around her face, at the complete lack of success she faced Willow.

"She needs Spike, well any vampire really, but for the ritual to work it needs to be someone she can trust."

"Mmmhmmm….. Cause until now you have been so helpful with their trust issues. Try again, what's the ritual? Is there some kind of a spell. Cause I can probably get Angel to…"

"It's too late for Angel. I don't even know if she can survive it now. If you freaks had been paying more attention you would have noticed. How long has she been bleeding out for?"

Willow felt her spine stiffen, not at the freaks comment, she'd heard it before. Was Buffy in more trouble than she'd let on. Sure she'd been really tired all the time but weren't all pregnant women like that. Willow tried to think of once over the last months that Buffy had more energy than it took to lift the remote. And failed miserably. Refusing to let Jinx see what Willow was afraid she missed, she hardened her voice and stalked up to the woman. Shoving her into the counter Willow pushed her face close to Jinx's. She was going to get answers and she was going to get them now.

"What do you mean bleeding out. She's been fine. Well up until a few days ago. What are you talking about…… **survive**? What the hell does this ritual involve."

He didn't get it. Why now. Why ever. She had just stood there and let that wanker claim **his** baby. So why the sudden change of heart. What did she want. Was she expecting him to pledge his eternal devotion cause she had finally gotten the balls to let her friends in their little secret. 

"Well not so little" he smirked.

He knew that pissed her off. That was why he was going to rub it in at every opportunity. He told himself it was to keep her away. It wouldn't do to let her know that the second he had laid eyes on her it had almost brought him to knees. He had never seen her look more beautiful. Knowing that was his child nestled so carefully in her body just made her look all the more gorgeous. It had hit him like a ton of bricks when she had crumpled over in pain. He still didn't know what had possessed him to shove Willow out of the way and take her hand himself. He needed to protect her, take care of her……love her. 

Shoving the notion away, he started to climb back up the stairs. He couldn't do it again. He couldn't love her again.

Spike punched every door of every apartment on his way to his own. Anything to silence the traitorous voice echoing loudly in his mind. 

__

You never stopped loving her. 

Willow stood up slowly from the toilet and wiped the back of her hand across her mouth. Taking the facecloth Jinx handed her, she pressed it to her eyes and sank slowly to the floor. After a few deep breaths she found the strength to glare at the women perched on the edge of the bathtub.

"So let me get this straight you expect Buffy to let Spike drain her almost to the point of death so that her blood can mix with his."

At Jinx's slight nod Willow felt the shock of the statement give way and anger take it's place.

"And then if she somehow manages to live through that she's supposed to what…..bite him back. Like some kind of sick transfusion."

"Yah that's the general gist of it"

"ARE YOU OUT OF YOU'RE FREAKIN MIND."

"There is no way in hell I am going to let this happen. You're lying again, aren't you. You just want Spike to kill Buffy so she's out of the way, so you two can go off and do……..things I'm just not going to think about right now. You're trying to off the competition "

"First off I don't need Buffy dead to get laid. So climb down off your high horse and think for a second. And before you even go there if all I wanted was a free meal for Spike, I can think of a hell of a lot easier ways to get it. Most of which don't include getting my face smashed in."

At the truth to her proclamation, Willow felt herself wither. She was scared and it reflected in the tiny sound she managed to squeak past the lump in her throat. 

"There's something wrong here…….. Why can't she just go to a hospital?…… Why can't she…"

She was effectively cut off by Jinx's sardonic tone

"Well you already tried that didn't you. My guess would be those doctors found something a little less human in that ultrasound. I don't know why you haven't figured this out yet. The baby is **half vampire**, and **vampires** require blood to survive."

Willow stared at the girl, she didn't like where this conversation was going.

"What are you saying…..exactly"

"That's why she's been bleeding, the baby is getting rid of the blood it's already used. Her blood isn't strong enough alone the baby needs a continuous infusion of new. Normally in these cases the father takes just little bits at a time and replaces it. But unfortunately 'miss high and mighty', can't seem to read the signs and now it will all have to be done at once."

Sinking further into herself, Willow silently wailed at the injustice life kept doling out to Buffy.

"The baby……is it…..I mean does it…….Does it have a soul?"

"The baby is essentially human. He has a soul and all that crap, but he will need to have transfusions for the rest of his life. Think of it as really bad anemia. That's what the fangs are for." 

"F…FA….FANGS!!!"

Willow was reeling with shock. She knew the baby would be different, of course she knew that. But not this different. Maybe a little sun allergy or extra special hearing but not…… 

"Oh Christ you people and your morals. They're retractable. Well as soon as he learns how to use them. It's highly unlikely he's going to try to eat you, as long as she keeps an eye on him everything should be fine. I can't believe how completely unprepared she is. You know there's a reason the elders discourage this kind of thing. She should have thought about this before she went running off and got herself pregnant."

Willow laid her forehead against her drawn up knees. Things just kept going from bad to worse. The baby's…..medical problems would have to wait. First off how in the hell were they supposed to convince Spike to do this. He didn't even want to be in the same room as Buffy much less bite her. Not like there was a chance in hell Buffy was going to let him. 

Glancing up, Willow realized Jinx had moved to the open door. Pushing herself up, she faced the mirror preparing for the inevitable. Trying to force confidence in her voice she wiped her eyes that she realized were full of tears. 

"Go find Spike. You need to tell him about this. I'll talk to Buffy."

"I don't think that's going to be necessary."

Spinning around, Willow faced the tension emanating from Jinx's back. The girl was scared and Jinx was hardly ever scared. 

"What?….Why?…..Buffy?"

Willow moved and peered over Jinx's shoulder at the couch she had left Buffy on. The slayer was now sitting up staring open mouthed at the bathroom, a mixture of shock and horror playing across her features. Skittering her gaze away from the pain in her friends eyes she encountered the pure fury radiating towards them, from a pair of bitter blue ones. 

Spike was standing stiffly in front of the apartment door, slowly clenching and unclenching his jaw. Willow let her head drop onto Jinx's shoulder, muttering quietly against the anxiety in the girl's body.

"Should have closed the door"


	10. 

Spike stared at the tiny hand clutching his arm and then let his gaze drift up to the deep green eyes he should have been able to trust.

"Spike, please. I can explain." Jinx's voice held just the right amount of pleading mixed with a hint of tears. He wasn't buying it for a second.

Prying her fingers off his arm he simultaneously reached behind him opened the door.

"Leave…..Now"

Shoving Jinx's protesting form out the door he turned back to the interior of the apartment and focused on Willow. She was on the couch with Buffy, rocking her and whispering some kind of soothing rot.

"You too, Red."

"I can't just leave her…."

Spike wasn't sure why Buffy chose that moment to speak and he didn't really care. 

"It's okay Will, we need to talk……alone. I'll be fine. No worries. K. Go check out the shopping. Find me a new ice cream spot."

He felt his mouth curve in a sardonic twist at the sight of Buffy trying to reassure Willow. _She still thinks no matter what she's done I won't hurt her, She thought wrong._

Spike held the door open wider as Willow passed through it. 

"When should I…"

Willow's question was lost as the door closed in her face. Spinning around Spike strode quickly across the room and perched on the edge of the coffee table inches from Buffy's face.

"There now, just the two of us. Cozy isn't it. What shall we talk about?"

At Buffy's blank expression Spike continued his montage.

" Hmmm now let's see. We could discuss world politics and it's effect on the economy. Unfortunately I'd lose you in seconds with that. Something more your speed maybe. I know the newest boy band bubble gum pop hit….. No that would likely give me a bloody aneurysm. "

Tapping his chin Spike let the placating tone drop from his voice and replaced it with one of pure menace.

"I know how about we discuss exactly **what** possessed you to fuck soldier boy, rip out my heart, lie to me and then chase me halfway across the country with some harebrained scheme to ask for my help"

At a small squeak from the slayer, Spike realized he was crushing her chin in his hand. He couldn't remember reaching for her. Dropping the offending limb, Spike made a show of wiping his digits across his jeans. Disgust rose in his voice and he had trouble pinpointing whether it was for her or himself.

"Tell you what, when we are done with that, we can make a good long list of reasons why there is no bloody way in hell I will **ever** touch you **again**…… You start."

On the outside Spike displayed a practiced air of nonchalance. Leaning back on the table he propped one foot on his thigh and waited. On the inside it was a whole different story. Every muscle in his body was vibrating with barley controlled tension. His mind was in a constantly shifting pattern of denial and acceptance. He desperately wanted to smoke…. or pace….. or do anything really…. anything but be here…..with her. Searching his psyche for something to calm, Spike latched onto the apathetic peace he had been clinging to since walking out Buffy's door.

For the first few days he hadn't felt anything, not rage or misery, just a black empty, detached feeling. He had let Jinx lead him wherever she wanted to go. It took more than a few weeks for his sense of self to reassert itself. With it came the agony of loss and a renewed determination to escape. A broken heart was a powerful motivator, when choosing a new home. He had found himself staring out over the Pacific ocean one night, trying to find just one moment of peace. When it occurred to him he didn't need to run anymore. The revelation had come in a series of tiny broken seconds of clear consciousness. He would make himself never love her again. Never speak to her, never see her and most importantly, never touch her again. The idea had freed him, as long as he erased her from his mind then he could feel nothing. That was all he really needed to stay sane…… nothing.

Apparently someone had forgotten to give Buffy the memo. Her presence was not part of the plan. It was a hell of a lot easier to remain aloof when the object of your disdain was somewhere else. Not sitting in front of you, trying to coax some kind of articulate sound past her throat. Spike cursed every deity he could think of regardless of their side in the good /evil battle. Finding that lacking, Spike did the one thing he found most difficult. He waited. 

  
  
  
Buffy picked absently at tiny fluff balls on the green comforter Willow had tossed over her. Anything to prolong the inevitable. There had been three days to plan her confession and she had used every second of them. Unfortunately in her scenario, Spike was falling into her arms and professing his undying love. Not watching her with a cold calculating look, that she was pretty sure was designed to eradicate her presence from his sight. She hadn't seen it since in years and even then it was tempered by his love for Dru. Now he had nothing left to ease the simmering rage and desire to hurt. She had systematically beaten all that was good out of him. 

__

Congratulations Buffy, you made him into the vampire he always wanted to be.

That was the thing, her biggest fear, the reason she hadn't told her friends, the obstacle that kept her from truly giving in. 

He was evil, undead, disgusting, a thing…….convenient. No matter what she threw, he took it and always came back for more. His love had been unconditional, hers was not. She had never been able to get past the knowledge that he was, for all intents and purposes, a vampire. How could she give herself freely to him and then turn around and kill his kind. Loving him went against every ethic she had. 

Buffy let her gaze rise from the blanket to study the man in front of her. He seemed casual, but she could see the tension in his white knuckles as he gripped the table. _The man in front of her. _

That was the issue that kept her from running out the room, had in fact kept him alive all these years. He was so much more than a monster, capable of so much more than death and destruction. In some ways he was the most human person she knew. The evidence of that was nestled securely in her body.

Nothing made sense anymore, hadn't in so many years, she honestly wondered if there had had been a moment of clarity. She had been living by a certain set of rules for so long she hadn't realized they were a prison of her own making. Right and wrong, good versus evil, when had all the lines blurred to gray. It occurred to her that her actions had long ago swerved off the path she was chosen for and her mind just hadn't been willing to make the same detour. She felt a slight shift in her reality as the weight of her chosen one responsibilities lifted slowly away. Up until now she had been thinking by a slayer's rules. That had ceased to be the necessary means of survival, she had to live by a new code. A mother's. 

Buffy observed the storm of emotions processing in Spike's eyes, that was something he could never quite hide from her. They knew each other to well, right or wrong, they were connected. Somewhere under that wall of indifference was the Spike she knew. He may never love her again and that was something she would have to accept, but she would be damned if her child was going to suffer because of her actions. Decision made, she leaned forward and looked right into the tempest of love and hate swirling in his eyes.

" This is the last time we will ever have this conversation. I screwed up. I have no excuse, it happened. As far as ripping out your heart, well consider it paid back. Jinx made no secret of just how long it took you to find another warm body. I did not lie to you, you chose to believe what other people told you. The only blame I am taking is that I didn't force you to listen to me. Why am I here? The baby needs you. Simple as that."

Peeling his hand off the table Buffy placed it on her stomach and held it there with her own. 

"You want a reason, it's right here. No matter how much you hate me, this the only chance you are ever going to get."

Spike stared at his hand pressing against Buffy's stomach. Somehow in the turmoil of her arrival he had neglected to realize the implications of the situation. The baby. This wasn't about her, or them, or prophecies or even Armageddon. She was right, after all the destruction and pain he had relished in creating in this world. This was something else. He had one chance, his only chance, at creating something pure. His demon screamed at the injustice of it but his heart rejoiced at the concept. 

Standing, Spike twisted her fingers in his and pulled her towards the bedroom.

"Where are we going?" All the bravado she had thrown at him was now swiftly fading from her voice. 

Spike turned and looked at her, he had never realized how young she was or how utterly frightened. Cupping her face in his hand, he reached up with the other and slid her hair away from his goal. Leaning down he nibbled lightly along her neck, and was rewarded by the slight shiver coursing through her limbs. He could make this easy on her, but the dark part of his heart refused to let that happen. Shifting into his vampiric countenance he brought his head up so she would have to meet the beast head on. He was through denying who he was. 

"I don't want your blood all over my couch. It'll put a cramp in my entertaining."

"Well I'm not going in there. That's where you and her……you know. Forget it, not going to happen."

Spike ran agitated fingers through his hair. _Women. She's fine with the whole draining dry, might end up dead bit. But, oh no, don't let it be in the bed I screw another woman in, that would be taboo._

"You didn't seem to have an issue with my bed, when you were snuggling up to my blanket"

"That was your……..oh gross. Now I need a shower. Where's the disinfectant?"

Spike watched her move away, her need for immediate cleanliness apparent by the way she was now rubbing ineffectually at her hands.

"Sure the bathroom would work. Easier to clean up too."

"WHAT?……NO……I am not going to cramp myself in a bathroom with you so that you can save your precious upholstery. Find somewhere else"

__

So much for scared. He mused. _The bitch is back. _

The prospect pissed him off almost as much as it excited him.

"Fine….. miss holier than thou, How about the bloody kitchen?"

"No."

"That's it. Just no."

"Would you like me to say it slower?"

He'd had enough.

"Well where **exactly **would her royal pain in the ass, **like** me to rip out her throat."

"Find me a hotel…….make that a nice hotel……with room service"

"You have got to be fucking kidding me. Do you honestly think I am going to put you up in some swanky resort, just so I can do what I should have done the first time I met you?"

"Well maybe if you had worked a little harder on the killing part instead of the following me around with puppy dog eyes part, we wouldn't be here. But seeing as you didn't….. deal. And just so we're clear, your not supposed to be killing me. Would you like me to right that down for you. Your memory seems to be slipping."

Spike stared at Buffy. She had her feet firmly planted and her hands balled in fists on her hips. The effect was slightly diminished by the protruding weight of her stomach, but not my much. She was not going to give an inch.

"BLOODY HELL"

Spike grabbed her elbow and proceeded to hustle her out of the apartment. He was going to have to pick his battles and there were much bigger ones coming than this.

"Where are we going?" Buffy panted behind him, minutes later, as they neared the underground parking garage.

Spike glanced back over his shoulder and afforded himself a smirk at her obvious discomfort.

"To get a room."


	11. 

****

Hello my friend we meet again  
It's been a while where should   
we begin…feels like forever  
Within my heart are memories  
Of perfect love that you gave to me  
I remember

Slipping further into the warm embrace of the tub, Buffy pushed the bubbles along the surface of the water. She was supposed to be relaxing but it was proving impossible. Tilting her head to the side, Buffy strained to hear the conversation being held outside the confines of the bathroom. 

"If your wrong about this Jinx, I'll..'

Spike's voice carried loudly from the bedroom portion of the suite he had found for them. Buffy didn't bother to hide the sneer of disgust from crossing her face at the girl's name. She had been in the bath for about two seconds before Spike had called Jinx's cell phone.

"How are you so sure she won't be turned?"

"Well I don't know a bloody thing about that cells and nucleus crap" 

"What the hell is that supposed to mean of course I'm a vampire"

Buffy was trying desperately to control the giggles gurgling up in her chest at the irritated tone to Spike's voice. Leaning over the side of the tub she shamelessly eavesdropped on the one sided conversation.

"Listen you stupid bint, If I find out you lied to me I'll rip out your…….What? NO!.. I don't want to talk to her…….Jinx, don't you dare give her the phone……Jinx you little bitc……Hi Red…….. She's fine…..taking a bath…….What do you mean she's not supposed to, it's just water…..Oh Bloody hell!…..I'm going………..I'll tell her……Yes I will…….Yes I will………I said I'll tell her…….Okay then, bye.

Buffy dived back under the water as she heard a distinctive beep signaling the end of Spike's phone call. She pushed desperately at the swiftly fading bubbles trying to assume a modicum of decency, as she heard his footsteps approaching the door. Jumping in spite of herself as he strode into the room, she struggled for a nonchalance she was far from feeling. Glancing up she barley had time to register the hostility rolling off him in waves, before he was hauling her up and out of the tub.

Buffy stared dumfounded as he whipped a towel off the rack and shoved it at her. Fielding the scrap of terry cloth she slowly started to wrap it around her body as she watched him bend and yank out the plug with a vicious twist. 

"You know if you wanted the bathroom all you had to do was ask. I was almost done anyway."

Buffy found herself abruptly trapped between the hard edge of the vanity and the harder edges of Spike's body. 

Buffy took the briefest of moments to drink in the sensation of his body pressed intimately with hers, before she let her gaze slide up to his eyes. Releasing a shaky breath, she licked her suddenly dry lips and attempted to speak.

"What did Willow want you to tell me?"

Buffy felt his gaze drop from her face to rake across her wet and partially clad body. Buffy let a delicate shiver rock her body as he leaned closer to whisper softly into her ear.

"She said……" 

Buffy felt like her knees were going to collapse as his cool breath teased the sensitive skin on her neck . 

"to tell you…" 

A slight moan caught in her throat, when his tongue shot out to flick the vulnerable area just below her ear. 

"that she…."

She was drowning, he was barley touching her and she was going up in flames. Rolling her head to the side, Buffy gave him full access to the thousands of nerves and veins scrambling wildly for his touch.

"…will be here in an hour."

Buffy blinked dazedly at the sudden and abrupt withdrawal of Spike's body. She realized, belatedly, that his last words had been said from across the room, where he now stood arms crossing his chest, a smirk planted firmly on his mouth.

Pulling the towel closer to her body, Buffy glared malevolently at him.

"Get out"

"Now, now, pet. Not my fault you can't control yourself. Guess I'll just have to be strong enough for both of us."

"Momentary insanity. It's been a while, any **body** could do the job. Remind me next time to pick one with a pulse."

Spike pushed himself up off the wall and ambled towards the door. Pausing at the opening he glanced back at her and perused her stiff figure. She watched as an evil grin formed on his lips and braced herself for his next words.

"Sure, slayer, whatever gets you through the night."

Spike paced the room aimlessly and paused yet again to glare at the bathroom door. 

__

What the hell is she doing in there. This is getting bloody ridiculous. Just go in there, pull her out by her hair, bite her and be done with it. You're a vampire. You're William the Bloody. One tiny little, pregnant girl is not going to bring you to your knees…….again. 

Cringing at the thought, Spike threw himself on the bed. She had almost done it to him again. The sight of her standing there naked and dripping, moaning softly in the back of her throat, had almost had him on his knees begging her forgiveness. He had always thought pregnant women were supposed to be fat, ungainly, undesirable not soft and glowing and utterly irresistible. The memory itself was playing havoc with his body. Rolling to his stomach, Spike buried his face under a pillow trying to erase the image. 

It had taken every ounce of strength and will power he possessed to step away from the gift she had obviously been trying to give him. He couldn't bite her like that. Not when it was all wrapped up in sex and trust and…….love. It had to be cold, it had to be clinical, it had to be completely impersonal. Spike peeked out from under the pillow checking the still closed bathroom door. 

__

It just had to be.

****

When you are with me  
I'm free…I'm careless…I believe  
Above all the others we'll fly  
This brings tears to my eyes  
My sacrifice

The small hand towel made short streaks on the mirror as Buffy pulled it across the surface trying to dispel the mist formed there from her bath. Tugging and straightening her skirt she twisted to try to get a better view of herself. Peering at the foggy reflection, she tilted her head to side and struck, what she hoped was, an alluring pose.

__

Well this isn't working. She grumbled at the pregnant woman staring back at her in the mirror. _Not going to be dazzling him with my stunning good looks anytime soon. What am I worried about, he's only going to be looking at my neck anyway._

Flipping the toilet seat down she sat gingerly on the edge. It would really suck if she ended up breaking the stupid thing and had to call Spike to get her out. 

__

It's not like I'm some fat disgusting mess or something, I'm just very, very pregnant. _A lot of guys would go for a large, round, awkward, uncomfortable, hormonal, swollen……..DAMMIT_

Burying her face in her hands, Buffy searched her brain for some perspective. 

__

Why do I care what he thinks, this is stupid. This isn't about me and Spike. This is about the baby. Good one Buffy.. Go with that. He's only here for the baby. And that's good cause…. that's what I wanted…... Nothing to be nervous about. Just go in there and let the father of my unborn child drain me dry. No problem…

…….I am soooo not leaving this room.

Buffy really wished there was some other way to do this. Seeing Spike again had been enough of a shock to her already vulnerable system, without having to share this latest level of intimacy with him. The taking and giving of blood was a line neither of them had been willing to cross before. He had never wanted what she hadn't been willing to give. 

__

Which is why he left you in the first place. Buffy cursed the persistent voice that had seemed to take up residence in her head. Especially since it always told the truth.

It hadn't been her inability to tell the world about them, it wasn't even her drunken indiscretion. No it was quite simply that she hadn't loved him enough. She was still waging war on her emotional ghosts.

Just one ghost, actually, and he came in a package much darker than Spike's. 

She had never even come close to giving Spike the level of intimacy she had shared with Angel, she just didn't have it in her to be that open anymore. In fact she had wrapped him up in the same box she had put Riley in and had thought it was enough. It was almost like her heart had decided that she'd suffered enough. That part of her soul had shut down and fought like hell against any intrusion. 

It had taken yet another man leaving for her to finally understand. The moment the door had shut behind him, she saw the truth he had already realized. Friendship, lust and affection were emotions she had mistaken for love. 

__

Denial ……not exactly a new concept in the Buffyverse.

There had been more than one battle of wills in her soul after that. Buffy still wasn't entirely sure if she had finally beat her demons or if her heart had just got tired of the fight. Which ever one it was the result was the same. She had lied awake the night he left, cursing them all. Angel for leaving in the first place, Riley for not being enough , her mother for dying and even Giles for not being there when she needed him most. In the morning, the tears having dried, her throat raw from screaming, she had finally found some peace. Or rather knew where her peace had always been. 

Spike. Her rock, the only real port in a wild and turbulent storm, but even he hadn't been strong enough in the end. As much as she wanted to she couldn't even blame him for it. In those final moments as night gave way to day Buffy knew, for all his past and all his denial, Spike was the most human person she had ever known. He wasn't perfect, far from it, but he knew her like no other and still loved her. Flaws and all. He was an integral part of the person she was and wanted to be. If he had been there, he would have recognized the moment she fell in love with him. So now that she was finally ready to give herself completely, it was his choice to turn away. 

__

Love was an ironic bitch.

Sighing at the injustice of her life, Buffy rose. Checking herself one last time in the mirror, she reached for the door. She could do this, it was just a bite. For a few moments maybe she could even pretend he still loved her. 

__

****

We've seen our share of ups and downs  
Oh how quickly life can turn around in   
an instant  
It feels so good to reunite  
Within yourself and within your mind  
Let's find peace there

"You're not gonna screw this up, right. You know when to stop, right. Make sure you don't make too big of a mark. I don't want a big vamp hickey. How long is this gonna take. My feet hurt. I can't stand upright for too long. Do you think they have this wallpaper in all the rooms. I should ask, I need to redecorate. " 

"Bloody hell, Buffy. Would you shut up for two seconds. You're ruining the mood."

Spike's patience had far surpassed his normal level of tolerance. She was making this extremely difficult. Ever since she had stepped out of the bathroom she had been dancing around the room like a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. He wanted to get this over with…..quickly. Not wanting to examine his haste too closely he shifted into 'game face' and reached for her again.

"What mood…there's no mood. This is mood free. It's a get in, get out kinda thing."

He couldn't help the smirk forming on his lips or the sexual innuendo that poured past them. After all he was no saint.

"You didn't always think that way, luv."

Pleased with the remark, he silently congratulated himself for the green effect it was having on Buffy's face. His delight quickly faded, when she doubled over in front of him, grabbing at her belly.

"I need to lie down." 

Stumbling over to the bed, Buffy sank down and started rubbing her forehead with her fingertips. Feeling a unexpected bout of compassion , Spike followed to perch on the mattress beside her. At a loss for how to help, he reached over and patted her clumsily on the back. Staring at her pinched and drawn features, Spike felt the first moments of panic grip him. She was in pain and he didn't know how to stop it.

"Is it bad, luv?"

Buffy didn't respond just curled up on the bed and moaned into the blanket.

"What can I do……should I call Willow, maybe she can…"

The small sounds coming from Buffy were half words and half moans of pain, but he understood.

"No…….hurts……just…..stay…….with me" 

Biting back a curse for his continued inability to deny her anything, he lied down and spooned his body around her. Leaning on his elbow he began brushing her hair back from her face in small smoothing strokes. At the first touch of her body against his, Spike knew he was screwed. What good were long drawn out lectures on the follies of loving her up against the reality of her small warm body curled next to his. He had violently tried to deny his heart and ,as usual, had failed miserably. He knew he was never going to stop loving her and it was probably going to kill him.

Staring down at Buffy's tiny hunched figure, Spike's knew he would do whatever it took to save her. Leaning forward, he whispered soothingly into her ear. 

"Everything's fine, luv. Just relax. I'll take care of you. I'll always take care of you."

At the slight release of tension in her muscles Spike let out a breath he hadn't been aware he was holding. Sliding one hand down to her stomach he began to draw a pattern of small circles. She was in pain ,she was suffering and it was all his fault. He had done this to her. If it had been the hall monitor's baby, this never would have happened. For the first time in more years than he could count Spike cursed the fact that he was a vampire. He never should have touched her. She was pure and good and he had tainted her somehow. 

__

Oh well that's bleedin perfect, now I'm starting to think like peaches.

Wincing at the truth of his own admission, Spike's hand tightened on Buffy's stomach. Reversing his thought pattern he approached it from a different more comfortable angle. 

__

Okay mate, you may not be her soddin perfect, one true love but you're all she has. _She doesn't love you and you've spent enough bleeding time coming to grips with that. But whether she likes it or not she needs you. The real you, fangs and all._

It was the monster she despised that was going to save her and he couldn't help the tiny thrill that coursed through his veins at the thought. He had tried so hard to distance the demon from the man for her, but there was really no denying what you were inside.

Sighing he wondered if Buffy really knew what she was getting into. 

Almost as if she could hear the turmoil rushing around in his brain, Buffy tilted her face up to his and lifted a hand to cup his cheek. 

"I trust you." 

The words were barley above a whisper but they went straight to his heart.

The quietly spoken affirmation brought a sheen of tears to his eyes. He had waited so long for just those words, but now they seemed a bitter pill to swallow. He had tried to be a man she could count on and now all she needed was a demon she could trust. Burying his face in her neck, he choked hard on the sob rising in his chest. He would do what she wanted, what she needed. And once and for all he would prove he was nothing more than the monster she always told him he was.

Acceptance weighed heavily on his heart as he shifted his body slightly and moved his arm to pillow her head. Watching her face closely, he reached across her and drew a long gash in the veins across his wrist. Gripping her chin in the other hand he turned her head to face the undeniable evidence of what they were doing. Placing his wrist next to her mouth, he whispered quietly in the silent room.

"When I tell you, drink."

He felt her give a slight nod, but also felt the slight tremor of disgust that rippled through her body. 

"It would be over before you know it, luv" 

Resigning himself to his fate, Spike let his fangs descend and stroked her hair from her neck. He knew he should have been happy, his inner demon was sure getting a jolt at the unexpected treat. But it had been too long and too much had happened to him for this act to give him the pleasure it should have. Spike wondered if ever, for one tiny moment, he would be able to get something right. 

Staring at the smooth perfection of skin before him, he noticed it was untouched by previous scars. She was still keeping Angel's bite safely enshrined on the other side. He let out a slight whimper of defeat just before he slid his teeth into the vulnerable expanse of her neck. 

It took every ounce of self preservation she had not to scream out loud when she felt his teeth slide in. The pull of his mouth was like molten lava through her veins. Buffy stared resolutely at the wall and tried to think of something…anything to stop her from lashing out at him. Her slayer instincts were screaming at the injustice she was subjecting them to. Biting back the urge to run, she desperately tried to relax. Using every technique Giles had taught her, Buffy willed her body into a tranquil state. It didn't take long for the room to get an almost hazy quality, as her blood flowed into to him.

It was with a rather detached feeling that she felt her mind fog and her heart beat start to slow. After the first initial shock, she conceded that it wasn't too bad. Not an activity she wanted to participate in on a daily basis, but all in all not too horrible. Every single nerve in her body was on fire, yet she felt like she was floating above it. She even began to wonder idly what it would be like to do this during sex. Drifting into pleasant scenarios in her mind she almost didn't hear him talking to her.

"Buffy……Slayer……Come on, luv……**Wake up**"

The last was said with a note of panic and that was what she found herself responding to. Shaking her head slightly Buffy realized his wrist was pressed to her mouth and he was commanding her to complete the ritual.

__

Oh yeah……this part…..can't we go back to the Buffy sex dream part

Giggling quietly and mourning the loss of her stupor, Buffy tentatively reached out her tongue.

__

Okay, kind of metallic, but not so bad……..Oh who am I kidding this is gross.

Wrinkling her nose Buffy latched onto his wrist and swallowed. She almost choked when she heard him moan. It was in no way the 'oh help someone is hurting me' moan. It was definitely more of the 'oh yes don't stop' variety. 

__

Hello Buffy……vampire…..quite familiar with the whole sex and biting thing.

Steering far away from the sounds of Spike's increased excitement and her own less than angelic thoughts, Buffy concentrated on the effects the exchange were having on her body. She had no idea how much she was supposed to take, but she knew it was working. Strength and power seemed to be flowing through her limbs. The cramping was still acute but it was much more manageable now. 

Lifting her mouth, Buffy let Spike's wrist drop and wiped her hand across her mouth. Sitting up, she turned to regard the vampire lying motionless on the bed next to her.

"Are…..are you…… okay" 

She hated herself for the slight breathless tremble in her voice but she couldn't do a thing about it.

"Just peachy, pet. Just give us a minute though would you"

Buffy let her gaze stray from his tightly closed eyes, over his smooth hard chest and down to the prominent bulge in his pants. Obviously the effects were taking a while to go away.

"See something you want"

Buffy's gaze flew back up to the now open eyes staring at her with an amused expression.

"No…..I was just…….no"

"Well that seems to be a word your familiar with. What's the matter, luv. A little **too** much monster in your man."

Spike reached out for her arm and startled at the sudden movement, Buffy jumped. A sneer twisted Spike's features as he mistook her reaction for disgust. 

"What's the matter, pet, truth hurt. I'm an evil disgusting vampire and you're the pure perfect slayer, everything as it should be. Or almost as it should be. "

Spike stared pointedly at Buffy's stomach. 

"Maybe from now on you should practice keeping you legs together."

Buffy scrambled to her feet and glared down at him.

"Don't you fucking dare. Who the hell do you think you are. Preaching to **me** about morality. I may not be a saint but I am hell of a lot closer than you could ever **think** to be." 

Rising from the bed, Spike brought his face inches from her hers and Buffy could feel fury roll off him.

"Oh yes, perfect little Saint Buffy. Tell me, how's the view from that pedestal you put yourself on….. Or maybe it wasn't you, who put you there, pet….. Whitebread?….. No, even he got tired of you in the end. I know, it must have been the grand poof…… Where is he now?….. Oh yeah, he's left you too….. I seem to be detecting a pattern here."

Buffy sank slowly back to the bed, staring vacantly at the wall, her fears and inadequacies laid out in the harsh light of the truth. He knew what buttons to push, always had. 

"Personally, I find the truth healing. Gives a person a whole new perspective when they can admit their mistakes."

Wounded beyond comprehension by his words and blinking back tears, she didn't even bother to look up as she answered his callous statement.

"Is that what I am to you….. A mistake."

"You're the slayer, I'm a vampire…. What else could it be?"

Buffy couldn't help the indelicate snort from escaping at his attempt to reduce their relationship to a senseless screw.

"Oh don't worry your empty little head. I'm sure some poor sod will happen by sooner or later. One willing to take you and the new bit on….. Well once you get your body back anyway."

Buffy felt like he had slapped her, it probably would have hurt less. Did he honestly think she was just going to run off with the first loser who gave her the time of day. 

"Do you have the slightest clue what I am going through? Could you take even one second out of the poor Spikey pity party to think about someone else for a change."

Quelling the urge to rip out his tongue and feed it to him, she settled for screaming instead.

"Look at me Spike….. I am about two minutes away from giving birth to a…… I don't even know what for sure, but it's coming. How am I going to explain anything to him. How am I supposed to tell him that mommy's just going to pop out and turn your uncles to dust. I don't even know how the hell I am supposed to buy diapers. I can barley remember to make Dawn lunch. What am I going to do with someone who needs constant supervision. My life sucks. So don't think you can even begin to make me feel worse than I already do."

She stared in shock as he grabbed his coat and headed for the door. He was leaving……again. He was supposed to yell back, fight with her…..not just walk away.

"You said you'd never leave me."

Buffy couldn't keep the tears out of her voice and didn't bother to try. She'd had more than enough of hiding what she was feeling. Letting them flow freely down her face, she watched as he paused briefly at the exit. With one hand on the door, Spike tilted his head back into the room to look at her. 

"And you said you loved me"

Buffy squeezed her eyes shut as the door clicked quietly shut and his final words echoed softly in the room.

"I guess we both lied"

Buffy sat for a full minute before deciding to go after him. 

__

This is not over. He's going to listen to me even if I have to sit on him.

Shoving herself up from the bed, Buffy started for the door. Only to find herself right back down as a vicious cramp tore through her gut.

__

Not right now kiddo, we've got things to do.

Gritting her teeth against the pain, Buffy tried again to stand, although much more gingerly this time. She made about two steps before an enormous pressure seemed to release in her stomach.

Staring down at the puddle of water forming at her feet, she reached blindly for the phone. Once again fighting her tears, Buffy pushed redial.

"Jinx…………my water broke"

(Author's notes: There are two parts left to this story and they are pretty much done. Rest assured people, I like happy endings too.) 

__ __ __


	12. 

Spike glared at the doors at the entrance of the lobby. 

__

Two days. Two sodding days for me to come crawling back to her. I'm pathetic or whipped maybe. Dammit, I'm not whipped.

He glared at the smartly dressed bellhops milling around. 

__

I'm just here to make sure she didn't mess up the room. Perfectly acceptable reasoning there.

He glared at the man behind the reception desk. 

__

Ten minutes, that's all. Say my peace and then I'm out of there.

He glared at the elevator doors and the buttons on the console. 

__

That's right, no more prancing around the subject. She's gotta realize we can't do this anymore.

He especially glared at the two tiny little old ladies with blue hair who got in the elevator behind him. 

A slight ping resounded in the hallway as the elevator arrived on the tenth floor and Spike stepped out into the hallway.

"…….really so you add the butter first Betty, good to know. And thanks again Francis. I promise if things don't work out I will give your granddaughter a call."

The doors slid shut on his two talkative companions and he turned to face the hall.

__

Ready or not, here I come

He made about two steps before the sounds of high pitched screaming reached his ears. Breaking into a run, Spike sped down the hall.

"It's okay Buffy, everything will be fine. Just remember your breathing."

Willow's gaze darted worriedly from Buffy's sweat soaked face to top of Jinx's head. Jinx was trying to check Buffy's progress but kept having to stop, because every time she got near the slayer, Buffy would slam her legs shut. 

"Come on Buffy, she needs to check…..please…..just look at me….focal point remember……ready he he he he-"

Willow was abruptly cut off as Buffy's hand shot and grabbed her throat. Clawing at the punishing grip, Willow stared frightened into her friends enraged face. 

"You…..fucking……breathe. I don't…… want to….. get that…… bitch…… away from me…….NOW….AAAAAAAGGGGHHH."

Willow felt herself being thrown to the floor as another contraction gripped Buffy. Peeking up at the bed, she felt a stunned sense of awe as Buffy arched her back up, almost in half, and ripped the top of the headboard apart. Willow crawled over to Jinx who was laying stunned against the wall.

"She kick you again?"

"No I was just taking a little siesta over here……….no shit she kicked me again. We have to do something, she's never going to make it if she doesn't calm down."

"Like what, we can't exactly call a doctor, and you're the only one who has a clue how to deliver the baby. I could try a relaxation spell. It probably won't work though, I mean she has to be willing……"

Rubbing her bruised jaw, Jinx watched the screaming girl on the bed. 

"Can you throw in a mute spell, the noise is making me crazy. You know you'd think for a slayer she would take the whole pain thing a little better."

Willow bristled with indignity for her friend. 

"I'm not going to **mute** her. She's fine, she's just……..adjusting."

"Fine no muting, but if this doesn't take, we are tying her legs down"

As much as she hated the thought, Willow couldn't help but agree with the wisdom of the alternate plan. Fingering her bruised throat, Willow quietly started reciting the proper words to the spell.

They both stared in shock as halfway though the incantation, Buffy bolted straight up in the bed and words came pouring out where before there had only been unintelligible noise. 

"What the fuck are you doing. You're supposed to be helping me. Not sitting on your ass. Willow get over here……. and get out of my fucking head. This is not magic time. I can't believe you, just once could this be about me."

Willow pulled her gaze from an irate Buffy to Jinx who was busy gathering up everything in the room that resembled rope.

"Plan B?"

At Jinx's nod, Willow stood up and moved cautiously towards Buffy.

"Okay fine, but we are doing her hands too."

The two girls crept slowly towards the bed, both muttering soothing noises while trying to conceal the lengths of bondage they had in her hands. Buffy had once again collapsed back on the bed and was writhing around making little mewling noises. 

"Get the fuck away from her"

Three pairs of eyes shot to the door. Standing framed in the light from the hallway, like some kind of twisted avenging angel, was Spike.

Willow took in the braced for battle stance. His hands were systematically clenching and unclenching ready to rip out or off any body appendage in their way, there was a slight rocking motion as his muscles readied themselves to charge. She stared in horrified fascination at the full glory of his complete vampiric features glaring daggers through them.

Willow jumped back from the bed and uttered a quiet and squeaky

"Oh boy"

Spike wasted no time on grabbing the first available body and lifting it by it's hair.

"Don't touch her……ever. Are we clear."

Punctuating his words with action, Spike shook the figure he was holding like a rag doll. So blinded by rage it took a moment to assemble in his brain that the hand clutching his arm did not belong to the throat he was slowly squeezing the air out of. Shifting his murderous gaze he took in the trembling form of Willow and realized he had Jinx. 

"You can't kill her, Spike. She's the only one who can do this"

Tossing the unconscious body down, he rounded on Willow.

"What did you do to her? Why is she screaming? I could hear her in the lobby."

"I….we didn't do anything. She's in labour. She won't calm down and she can't have the baby if she doesn't relax enough to dilate. We were trying to help……"

Willow's voice trailed off as Spike picked up the drapery cords they were going to use for rope.

"This is helping. Trussing her up like a Christmas turkey is helping"

Willow had the good grace to look ashamed.

"We aren't strong enough ……and she kept kicking and screaming and…..okay bad plan."

Spike shrugged off his duster and gestured with distaste towards Jinx's slumped figure.

"Get her up"

Crossing the room Willow helped Jinx to her feet and turned to face the vampire who was stalking determinedly towards Buffy.

"What are you going to do?"

A small smile crossed Spike's face but there was no joy in it.

"I'm going to hold her down." 

Spike climbed to the side of the bed and grabbed Buffy's shoulders pinning her down but not before he received more than a few kicks and punches for his efforts. 

"Well what are you waiting for"

Willow gestured helplessly towards Buffy's still flailing lower half.

"Umm her legs"

"Oh bloody hell"

Spike stood up and glared down at the woman who always seemed to make such a mess of his life. She was completely delirious, doing nothing but whimper now and dig her heels frantically up and down on the bedding. A random thought flittered through his mind that she was running in place and not getting anywhere.

Choosing his path, Spike took hold of Buffy's wrist and hauled her up to a sitting position. Avoiding the various limbs lashing out at him , he slipped carefully behind her and pulled her protesting form against his chest. Settling her into his lap he wrapped his arms around her chest pinning her in place and hooked his legs around her ankles. Glancing back up at the dumfounded looks he was receiving from the room's occupants, Spike felt more of his already threadbare patience slip.

"Haven't got all day here"

Galvanized into action by his curt tone, Jinx sprung towards the bed and knelt on the floor before Buffy. Avoiding the sight of Jinx's examination he watched Willow warily approach the bed. She was obviously struggling to say something.

"Umm…..Spike……you…..ummm…..well that is your…"

"Spit it out Red, I'm a little busy here"

"You're face…..it's still all…..bumpy."

"Is it? Well whadda you know. Wonder how that happened……Oh wait a tick…..I'm a vampire…… Deal."

The last was said with a definite snarl and Spike summarily dismissed the girl. It was taking every ounce of strength he had to hold onto Buffy and he was stronger when the beast was out.

Spike flinched as Buffy let loose an ear shattering screech of denial at something Jinx was doing between her legs.

"What the hell are you doing to her."

Jinx's head popped up above the mound of Buffy's stomach and glared at Spike.

"Look, bloodbreath this is not my idea of a good time either. I'm checking how much she has dilated and trust me if you can do better I'm all for letting you down here."

Spike swallowed convulsively, blood and guts were fine when they were associated with destruction and mayhem, but this was completely out his area of expertise.

"No…..carry on. I'm fine where I am"

"Hmpht, typical."

Jinx stood up and faced Willow completely ignoring the vampire. 

"This isn't working, she's only at five centimeters."

Spike refused to be left out.

"What's wrong with five, how many is she supposed to be"

It was Willow that answered him.

"Ten. She's been at this for almost two days now and she hasn't got any further than five. It just keeps getting worse. The more tense she gets the less happens. We've tried everything to calm her down, but nothing is working."

"TWO DAYS. You mean she's been like this since I left. What the hell were you two thinking making her go through so much pain."

"Hey no blaming here. It's not like you could have done better. She was fine at first, but the longer it went the worse she got and now……"

Spike noticed for the first time the gray pallor to Willow's face. The witch had black smudges of exhaustion under her eyes and looked like she was about two seconds away from collapsing. He cursed himself yet again for not being there when he was needed. 

"Take Jinx, go get something to eat. I'll do what I can here."

"No…I can't leave her. What if something happens. She needs me."

Spike gentled his voice in reaction to the obvious distress lacing Willow's words.

"Yes, she does need you. That's why you need to go right now. Take a break, get your strength back for when the baby comes."

Spike watched the defiance leak out of Willow's shoulders as she let Jinx lead her out the door. Closing his eyes he calmly steeled himself for the next course of action. He had more than one reason for kicking Willow out. The biggest one being, he didn't want her to see or stop what he was going to do next.

__

"You've got half an hour, then I'm bringing her back"

Spike jumped as Jinx's voice forcibly invaded his mind.

__

"Bloody hell, Jinx, get out of my head"

"I don't think so. I know what you're doing and I'm willing to help, but I'll be monitoring you closely, one second too long and you'll pay."

"Since when do you care what happens to her."

"Since…….. I just do. So hurry up and get it over with."

'Fine, but not with you screeching in my head."

There was an abrupt silence as Jinx moved off into an undetectable corner of his mind. Spike let himself focus fully on the girl in his arms. Until now he avoided the action because he couldn't deal with the ramifications of the situation. But his time was up and he had things to do. Slowly taking up a rocking motion he let his mind and body absorb what she was feeling. Two things hit him with force of a bulldozer… pain and unadulterated fear.

"Buffy listen to me. You can do this. You're the strongest person I know."

Trying to crane his neck to see her face, he realized that the sounds he had mistaken for whimpers were actually words chanted over and over again.

"Make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop."

Spike knew she was completely oblivious to him, but he talked to her anyway. He didn't know why but it made him feel better to think in some part of her brain she could hear him.

"I'm going to try baby. You remember when I bit you before….the hazy relaxed feeling…..I'm going to get that for you again. And everything is going to be okay. I promise."

On that note, he sank his fangs into her neck for the second time. He couldn't stop the low moan in the back of his throat as he got to relive the sweetness of slayer blood. It was more than an aphrodisiac, it was pure power surging through his veins. Giving added drive to his already incredible strength and weakening the tenacious hold Buffy was exerting over her muscles. 

He felt the distinct lag in the body he held as Buffy drifted off into an almost euphoric state. Raising his head from the undeniable treat of her blood a wry smile touched his crimson lips as Willow and Jinx burst back into the room.

He tightened his hold on Buffy, although it was no longer binding. The gesture had become decidedly protective. He brushed Buffy's hair back from her face and resumed rocking as another contraction hit. Burying his face in her shoulder he took up a litany of soft soothing noises. He detached himself from all the action in the room other than the events unfolding in his slayers body. Although he knew that Willow was now holding Buffy's hand and that Jinx was once more crouched at the end of the bed. Spike willed himself to pick up snatches of their conversation here and there, just enough to know what was happening.

"…he did it……she's at ten…."

"…….she has to push soon….."

"……I don't know, smack him or something…."

Spike raised his head to stare into Willow's frightened face. He still hadn't let go of his fangs and he had no intention of doing so. It was with an almost predatory growl that he questioned the witch.

"What"

"Can you make her push."

Once again ignoring them, he shook Buffy.

"Come on, slayer, enough sleeping. Time to do your job. I've got you, all you have to do is push and this will all be over"

He watched as Buffy slowly came to. Until now she had been in an almost dazed dream state while her body had readied itself. Now she was coming back to the reality of the intense pain radiating through her and he braced himself for the assault.

It wasn't long in coming as she opened her throat and let loose an agonized scream. Spike pushed her up into a straight sitting position, with Willow's help, and they both held her as she bared down with an animalistic growl. Panting between contractions, Buffy flipped her head to side and shrieked in Spike's face. 

"SPIKE, YOU SON OF A BITCH, IF I LIVE THROUGH THIS, SO HELP ME GOD, YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD. DO YOU HEAR ME. D.E.A.D."

Willow and Spike's gazes met over the top of Buffy's head and they both smiled in satisfaction. Here was the Buffy, they knew and loved. Returning his gaze to Buffy, he raised an eyebrow and smirked in her irate face.

"I'm already dead pet. You might want to rethink your course of action on that one."

"YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN……AAAAAAHHHHHGGGGG"

Spike watched in horrified fascination as Buffy's entire body seemed to seize up, like a tightly drawn violin string. Seconds passed, the tension suddenly disappeared and he found himself cradling her now quiet and quivering body. Barley having time to adjust to the alteration, he was struck dumb by the sound of another shriek filling the air. It took him a moment to decipher that the sound was not coming from Buffy but from the tiny, bloody, wriggling mass in Jinx's arms.

He visibly flinched as he caught a flash of silver and realized Jinx was cutting the umbilical cord. Abandoning the bed, he literally ran to the opposite side of the room. Scuffling through his duster, he came up with his token cigarettes and lit one. Inhaling deeply, he faced the wall and tried to get his rampant emotions in check. 

He couldn't decide what to do next. Cry, laugh, scream, run. All extremely viable options at the moment. It was one thing to know you were going to have a baby, it was entirely something different to see that reality in front of you screaming it's tiny head off.

__

This isn't Father knows best, you stupid git. Get the hell out of here before you screw up another innocent life.

Agreeing with the wisdom of his own brain, Spike snuck quietly towards the door. Every instinct he had was telling him not to look at the bed.As usual, he never did heed his own good advice. Halfway to freedom he paused and drank in the tableau. 

Willow and Jinx were gathered around Buffy with that look girls get when they are confronted with a baby. All peaceful and giddy at the same time. Buffy was cradling the baby to her chest and cooing softly. The look on her face was one of utter contentment, she had fought hard and here was the reward. Spike felt his knees start to go as he gazed at the little bit of perfection laying comfortable and quiet in his mother's arms.

__

My son.

The thought rocked him to the core and he found himself being inexplicably drawn to them. He barley noticed, when Jinx and Willow got up and quietly shuffled out of the room. His entire being was concentrated on the two people who meant more to him than anything ever had or could again. Sitting gently on the edge of the bed he reached a trembling hand out to touch the soft flawless body of his son. Spike raised his awe filled eyes to Buffy's and said the first thing he could squeeze past the lump in his throat.

"He's so small."

"He didn't feel so small on the way out."

Spike couldn't help the slight chuckle that emerged at the sheer disgust crossing Buffy's face. Moving to a more comfortable position, he stretched out full length beside Buffy and returned his fascination to the bundle of life she held. Idly toying with the baby's fingers, he voiced his next question.

"What are we going to name him?"

"We?…..What do you mean we. Correct me if I'm wrong but I'm pretty sure it was you who said **we** were a mistake. So what makes you think you get any say in his name. You left us Spike. Not just me, **us**. I gave you a chance and you chose wrong. I don't know why you came back but it's too late. We don't need you."

A million options screeched through his head at that moment. But essentially they came down to just two. Leave and live the rest of his life empty and hollow, a feeling he had become more than used to since leaving Sunnydale. Or stay and risk the rejection of not just her but also the child she held. Not really much of a choice. Sitting up he stared for a minute at the two before him, trying to decipher how this would go. With the vague idea that action spoke louder than words he crushed Buffy and the baby against him and lowered his lips to hers. Every ounce of desperation, heartache and love he had ever felt went into the kiss. When it was done he lifted his face and looked beseechingly at the woman he loved. 

"I know you don't……but I need you. Both of you. Please, Buffy. I am nothing without you."

Closing his eyes against the stunned look on her face, he waited for Buffy to decide his fate. As the moments of silence stretched into minutes he felt compelled to check her reaction. He could always tell what she was thinking by the story in her eyes. Shaking the desire away, he squeezed his eyes shut tighter. He didn't want to see until she was ready to show him. 

"I want to name him Tagen, but we can discuss it"

Drawing in a deep, unneeded breath, he opened his eyes and desperately searched her familiar hazel ones for the emotion he was too scared to hope for. The pure and all encompassing love he saw reflected there physically knocked him backwards. Cupping her face in his hands, he asked the question his heart was screaming.

"Is it true this time, do you really….."

He couldn't finish, he had to hear it from her lips before he could believe.

"I love you, I'm sorry it took so long, but it's not going away. Trust me I tried."

He was still struggling with the idea of having all his dreams realized when Buffy placed his son in his arms and curled up against them. Shifting the baby to one arm he wrapped the other around Buffy and leaned back against the pillows still on the bed. An air of utter contentment surrounded him as he held them in his arms and he felt his normally fidgety body relax. For this moment anyway they could be happy.

Smiling benevolently he kissed the top of each precious head and settled in. 

"I don't know…… Tagen seems kinda like a nancy boy name to me."

"Spike not now."

"I was just saying…"

The End

(Please continue to the epilogue if you want to know what happened to Jinx)


	13. 

Willow glanced around the hotel coffee shop before peeking over the edge of her cup at Jinx.

"So you're leaving now"

"Yep, places to see, people to do."

Willow ignored the comment and continued the conversation

"Where are you going?"

"LA this time. You know I should have asked for a travel expense with this job."

Willow set the cup down and smiled at Jinx. They had formed a unwilling bond the first time Spike had kicked them out. That was when Willow had discovered Jinx's real reason for helping. She was supposed to act as an almost guidance counselor to the slayer. Which was not an appointment she had taken to gracefully. More like kicking and screaming with her teeth bared. 

"Well you were kinda forced into the position in the first place, I can see how a few things would slip your mind."

"Very true, I still can't believe they picked **me** to mop up Jacob's mess."

"Maybe the powers figured you owed them or something after all it was you he was busy obsessing over instead of helping the slayers."

"Hmpht, there's no excuse for letting his duties slide so bad. It was his job to guide the slayers and he just slacked off for what, 100 years. I don't know how he got the position in the first place. Hell, I still don't know what they were thinking to pass the job onto me. I mean usually you have to apply and there is a ton of red tape involved. Technically it wasn't my fault he went psycho, why should I have to clean up his mistakes. You think he dropped the ball with Buffy you should have seen what happened to that poor girl in Carolina. Just look at the friggin situations **these** girls got into without a little assistance ….."

Jinx trailed off into her own mind, which was obviously full of loathing if the look on her face was any indication. After a minute she picked up her cup and looked at Willow again.

"Anyway I'm stuck with it now. But it is kind of a bitch that I have to watch over two instead of the usual one. What's this Faith like anyway, more Buffy purity?"

Willow almost choked on the coffee she found suddenly lodged in her throat.

"No…..I can safely say that Faith is nothing like Buffy."

Something behind Willow's head seemed to catch Jinx's attention and Willow realized she was getting ready leave. She grabbed at Jinx's arm, attempting to pause the girls imminent departure.

"Are they going to be okay…..I mean if your leaving they must be okay ……..right."

"You know I can't see the future, Will. I only know what to do at the time."

" I know I was just hoping maybe…."

Smiling in reassurance Jinx took her hand.

"Hey they wouldn't let me leave if it wasn't time, think of it that way. I'm only a guide, the rest will be up to them."

"Will you be back. I mean, if you wanted to come back…..I wouldn't mind seeing you."

"I am almost positive that those two are going to need me again. But for now I've got one hell of a mess to clean up with this Faith chick."

Jinx leaned down and gave Willow a fierce hug. Willow noted with some amusement how uncomfortable the gesture was making Jinx. 

"Right then. It's been a slice Will. Try not to let Buffy screw this up too bad okay."

Willow stood and followed Jinx into the lobby, peering through the glass that covered the front of the building she saw a man leaning against a car watching them expectantly. 

Jinx pressed a piece of paper into Willow's hand and then headed swiftly for the doors without a backward glance. Unwrapping the message she discovered the name, telephone number and address of an obstetrician that practiced in Sunnydale. A small smile played across her lips as she tucked Jinx's latest gift in her pocket. Turning and heading for the elevators that would take her back to Buffy and Spike she let out a full bodied laugh as Jinx's raised voice drifted back to her in the night. 

"Christ, Whistler. A Pinto. What the hell were you thinking. We are sooo getting a better car. I'm thinking Porsche…."

( Author's notes: And that's it. I really want to thank everyone for their wonderful support here and in emails and on the forum. You have all made my first dip in the fanfic pool a delight. As you have probably guessed I will be writing the further adventures of Jinx as she screws with the lives of the LA people. But I am taking a break from this story for a while. I have a whole new idea floating around in my brain and will be jumping into that now that this is done. So once again, thank you.)


End file.
